i apologize for the extremly long time since i wrote. so much stuff has happened. i'll try and do a quick summary of the most important things, at least to me.
first thing is that i told the girl that i've had a crush on for 2 years that i have a crush on her. i always talk about the girls i like with her, and when i told her i had kind of stopped trying to go after someone she asked "who's next", basically. i decided that this question deserved an answer - told her i'd email her. i took 2 or 3 days to think about it. this is the email i sent her:
On Sunday night, I told you I would email you the answer to your question, "who is the girl thats catching your eye now that ec is kind of out of the picture?" I told you i didn't want to answer right then, which was partly because of self-preservation, and partly because I was scared of how you would respond. I'm really bad at writing, but i'm even worse at talking, which is why I'm choosing to do this this way.
Throughout my high school career, I've liked a lot of girls. You may have realized this through talking to me - someone once told me that I like a different girl every week. Although this may seem true, there is one girl that I've liked a lot, someone that I think is funny, interesting, and smart. This person has kept my eye, drawing me back to her again and again. No matter what I do, this girl comes into my mind all the time. I've never really had the guts to tell her exactly what I think of her in a serious tone. Although I've mentioned it a couple times in passing, every time I do, she seems to brush it off as a joke, something I'm just saying to flatter her. This isn't the case, but I've pretty much stopped bringing it up, because I don't want to get rejected.
I try to be outgoing, but i'm still pretty scared of being told no. This is why I dont' always tell people who exactly I like. Although I mention a lot of names, a lot of the time the girl that I really like doesn't make it onto these lists. I try to keep knowledge of who I like to a small group of people that I know I can trust. By telling you - you're in the circle. Of course, as you may see later, there is a bit more than the standard reason to leave you in the cold on it a little longer.
I often wonder to myself whether I like girls just because they're there, or because I actually have feelings for them. I know for a lot of girls that I mention, the girl is just a passing fad. This isn't true for the girl I like now. I met her last year, and ever since then I've held a quiet like for her. This is anothe reason why i've kind of waited on telling her - I wanted to make sure it was real, and not some passing fad. I would hate to actually get involved with someone who I didn't end up liking for whatever reason.
Now, after that long, carefully worded essay of an email, I have this to say.... The girl I like, *name*, is you, *name*. Ever since last year in spanish, you've been able to make me cheer up just by being around you. I don't know what your response is going to be to this. I would hope that you would take it seriously, at the very least, because every word I've said is true. And I'm done. So, read this, ignore it, burn it and delete it or whatever - but I like you no matter what.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Sorry I was so late on the delivery. And i'll talk to you online in just a minute ;)"
i thought it was sweet, cool, etc. and i had a kind of feeling (at the very least hope) that she would respond in the same manner. however... her response wasn't exactly what i had expected.
"schmidt, yeah i got your email. i'm sorry to say but i don't feel the same way about you. i do like you but only as a friend. and i'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but its the truth and i'd rather have you know the truth and us still be able to be friends than lie to you and break up our friendship. i totally love being around you and i can easily tell you anything, and i don't want to lose that."
so, that's basically a *shotdown* type remark. i was ok for the next day, although that night i think it finally hit me, and i started crying. but i'm moving on from that still. this was on... wednesday. then saturday, i worked, blah blah. went and hung out with halo people at someones house watching movies. when i walked in, i noticed that my best friend was sharing a couch with the freshman guy who i had thought she tried to avoid. i disregarded it, being totally oblivious. when i got home, i got online, like i always do. (well, i was actually already online. but i turned my away message off ;)) he was talking about how he really wanted to talk to my best friend on the way home, but the girl they had given a ride home had been stupid and needed to be dropped off last or whatever. i was totally confused at that point. i didn't have a clue what he was talking about, just passed it off as just random stuff. then he dissapears for an hour or so, and when he comes back, he says everything is better now. then he asks what i think i know is going on. at this point, i'm figuring he wants to get back with the girl he just broke up with, or that he has girl problems or something. then i get hit with the shocker....