Chris Schmidt (crschmidt) wrote,
Chris Schmidt
crschmidt

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cntd 1/20/2002

"ok, i am going to tell you, you are going to go wha? i am going to have to leave and then you are going to be like wha to *my best friend*. me and *my best friend* have liked each other for the longest time and we have really been trying to keep it a secret, i liked her while i was going out with *his previous girlfriend*, to me *my best friend* seems like the greatest thing on earth, life without her is nothing, every song i ahve written in the past 1-2months has been for her"
at that point - i start sobbing. i dont know what it was - whether it was that she was getting a boyfriend and i wasn't, whether it was that he was able to say what i just figured out but had never been able to say, that i was afraid of losing a friend, or what. But what i think now, is that i have liked this girl. have liked her for the 6 years i've known her well. but being unable to express it... and my typical fear of rejection... i've never said it. i convinced myself that it would never work, that she would never go out with a guy that she thought was just a friend. yet here, staring me right in the face is an example that this wasn't the case, that she would go out with a guy that was jsut her friend before. someone who she met, and thought she disliked, hated, whatever, for 4 months - only to realize that she adored him. every time i replay this conversation (and parts of the conversation i had with her) i think it's a joke, i think that someone's pulling a huge prank on me. i talked to her for hours - and i still don't nkow what i feel. i'm scared though, because if nothing else - my last backup is gone. the girl i've always had there for me seems to be heading towards a relationship with another guy. and that scares me. i need a safety net, and having 2 of them taken away in a week is a bit much.

so, that's my most recent history. and this wno't get posted til who knows when, because, as usual, OD is being a bitch. so, sorry for the late/untimeliness of this.

finals this week too. great. just whati need when i can't take my mind off of girls/friends (or any combination therein) - tests that count for 20% of my grade. Wish me luck *sigh* -crs
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