i want to go to college now. i've known these people way too long - there's a lot of people i just wish i could never see again. i wish there was things i would never have had to say, and people i would never have had to say them too. and i want to take it back. i want to take all of "cntd." and jsut throw it away because of how many people it's already hurt, and how many people more it has the ability to hurt before this whole thing is over. i don't know him, and i haven't talked to her seriously in years. 8th grade was our bond time, and ever since that we've just been moving away. i tried to come back - but that won't work now. because she's got him. and she likes him, she knows him, she sees what there really is there, not what i've always seen. i've projected my own feeligns onto her as well, because i thought we were alike in that way. it's obvious i was wrong, and i've caused more pain than i ever meant to to someone i've never tried to hurt. i want to take it all back - i want to go back. i want to be in that damn shell that i've tried to leave behind so many times. but that isn't going to work either, because i dont' fit in it. i'm too far out now. and i can't take back the things i've said. i can't undo what's already been done. all i can do is... i don't know what i can do! i can't do this! i can't deal with it anymore! i hate this, because i just wanted things like they were - i wanted a friend i could hang out with and not feel guilty, and i don't have one ! i don't have anything to hold on to, it's all dissapearing and i don't know what to do about it! and now i've got to leave, and i'm not even going to get any kind of resolution on this, most likely ever, because i don't knwo what else to say! i don't knwo where i went wrong.
this is to those who needed to hear it. i'm sorry i said things that were wrong - they were written in a situation when i didn't have a clue what was going on. i still don't know what i want. i still don't nkow what i thought. all i know is that everything i once thought is turned around. and i'm sorry. -crs