Chris Schmidt (crschmidt) wrote,
Chris Schmidt

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how can i say this without getting in truoble? 1/21/2002

that's mostly what i've asked myself again and again the past few days. How can i say what i want to without it getting weird? judging by what i have said - nothing i've been saying is the right thing. i just wish i knew what was. it's horrible to live with this giant weight of "should i have said this", "should i have mentioned that" over my head with people that i've been hanging out with for all of the time that isn't spent in classes or sleeping. Add to that the fact that both of them read this now. because now i can't say what i normally would to the people who read this, because they live far away, or aren't part of the same group, or don't care either way. that's who i expect to read these things, and when the people i'm writing about read it, they get hurt. that's why i shouldn't have ever told the people who i know about this thing. this should have been my vent place, my place to write to those people who live so far away it will never matter to them. and now i've fucked up my relationship with 2 people pretty damn well, because now one of them wants to hit me more than his ex-girlfriend who's been pissing him off all day - and the other is hearing things that i never meant for her to hear. things that i wrote in the heat of the moment late at night that probably don't mean anything in the first place, and then there's the fact that i would never say them to her. because they only fuck things up, they can only make things worse. which is why anything i did say i tried to erase the validity of - i'm not sure if it was valid in the first place, and when i'm talking to this person i wouldnt' ever say it to her anyway! even if it was! because i know she probably doesn't think the same way, i've kept it locked up for years. i didn't want to know if she did. just like for blair - i never told her i had a crush on her, until last week. and why didn't i? because i thought she might tell me i was just a friend. i don't WANT to be just a friend. i'm tired of being jsut a friend.

i want to go to college now. i've known these people way too long - there's a lot of people i just wish i could never see again. i wish there was things i would never have had to say, and people i would never have had to say them too. and i want to take it back. i want to take all of "cntd." and jsut throw it away because of how many people it's already hurt, and how many people more it has the ability to hurt before this whole thing is over. i don't know him, and i haven't talked to her seriously in years. 8th grade was our bond time, and ever since that we've just been moving away. i tried to come back - but that won't work now. because she's got him. and she likes him, she knows him, she sees what there really is there, not what i've always seen. i've projected my own feeligns onto her as well, because i thought we were alike in that way. it's obvious i was wrong, and i've caused more pain than i ever meant to to someone i've never tried to hurt. i want to take it all back - i want to go back. i want to be in that damn shell that i've tried to leave behind so many times. but that isn't going to work either, because i dont' fit in it. i'm too far out now. and i can't take back the things i've said. i can't undo what's already been done. all i can do is... i don't know what i can do! i can't do this! i can't deal with it anymore! i hate this, because i just wanted things like they were - i wanted a friend i could hang out with and not feel guilty, and i don't have one ! i don't have anything to hold on to, it's all dissapearing and i don't know what to do about it! and now i've got to leave, and i'm not even going to get any kind of resolution on this, most likely ever, because i don't knwo what else to say! i don't knwo where i went wrong.

this is to those who needed to hear it. i'm sorry i said things that were wrong - they were written in a situation when i didn't have a clue what was going on. i still don't know what i want. i still don't nkow what i thought. all i know is that everything i once thought is turned around. and i'm sorry. -crs

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