Chris Schmidt (crschmidt) wrote,
Chris Schmidt

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why why why am i such an idiot!? 1/25/2002

The things that come out of my mouth are so stupid. i'm acting like the fucking parent. and i'm not, and she doesn't want me to be that way. i just want my friend back... i never wanted her gone. and i can't have that, because i've been an idiot. I thought I liked her - i don't, not like that. not like i said i did, or even might. i like her as a friend. and when i was in a bad mood, i said stuff i shouldn't have, and did stuff i shouldn't have. and screwed myself over.
She's really pissed. and she has every right to be. but i can't live with that forever. i can't live with her being mad at me. i never wanted that, i really didn't. I wanted to let her know how i was feeling - but only lbecause i thought that's what she wanted. I told katherine so! i'm not making this up! i just wish i could take it back. but that's true about a lot of things.

I'm going to try and let it cool down. i'm not talking to her at all this weekend. i'll fall back to the other people. i'll talk to marion. or i'll talk to halo people. i only said what i did because i was lonely - and i think that's the first time since i really got to know her that i've had NO ONE that i could fall back on. no one there for me.

it's scary. i thought it was scary when blair told me no. i thought it was scary when katherine moved away - but i never imagined this. I know that it was just a thing, they were out, whatever, she would have been back the next day, i could have waited. but i panicked. i went back into being a little kid, a whiney, scared little kid for just a little too long. and once it was gone, i realized that i shouldn't have done it. but i couldn't undo it. i shouldn't have done it, but it was gone then. it's like the person who gets drunk and sleeps with someone - they had a temporary lapse, everyone does it - but that can never be undone. i don't think this one is ever going to go away. i thought she'd understand. because i was alone. i was scared. but she didn't understand... which scares me even more. because although before she was gone for a night... i won't feel comfortable talking to her for a week. and if i say something stupid like this again? (i don't think i will, mind you, but i'm a pretty f***in stupid kid, especially when i'm worrying about soemthing like this...) what happens then? how many times will she forgive me? i mean, i think she will this time. i hope she understands how new this is for me. but i ruined something that's gonig to take a long time to build back up, i think.

i just wish theredhead was in town. katherine helped me figure out a lot of stuff - but she doesn't have a look from both sides. she only knows my side, and that's all she's seeing. i need erin back from whereever she is. i need someone who can look at this and give me an objective opinion.

Katherine did help me with one thing though. she helped me figure out that i was wrong, i really didn't like her that way. she helped me realize why it could never work, why it would never work. why were just friends in the first place. sure, it works in the movies - but guess what? "*her*: well, movie people lie" i just want my friend back... and i don't know if that's ever going to happen now that i said what i did.

what i said and what i did was wrong. i don't know how else to put it. wrong, incorrect, performed as if under the influence of the drugs i hate so much. i can only offer the fact that it was a fear induced commentary that didn't mean anything. and i didn't apologize right away because i thought she would understand, would take it as criticism. would take it in stride. and katherine agreed. i thought i could trust her.

i don't want it to be gone. I know you read these, and i know you may think i'm just rationalizing or whatever - but i have nothing else. i have no other friends. i have lots of people i talk to - but no one like you, no one i call my friend. without my support, my pillar, i'm nothing. if you feel that that's how it has to be - fine. i can't do anything about it. but i didn't mean to make you upset. i told you that earlier. i know you still won't believe me - but it wasn't my goal. it was only stupidity, idiocy that made me write it, and a lot of the other stuff. but the email i sent to derek - that was real. next time, just do that. if he didn't tell you about it - ask him. unless we're done. in which case, i don't know what to say.

oh, east won the north v. east basketball game. i didn't see martha (a plus). i did see sally (a minus). we now have a mascot - someone walking around in a fluer-de-lis costume that was HOT GLUED together. welcome to trailer trash city. next stop - wredling middle school... i mean, the NEW STC East!


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