Chris Schmidt (crschmidt) wrote,
Chris Schmidt


Are you there?

This is a repost of something written by rahaeli: I have no idea if the original is public or even where it might be. However, I was reminded of it after the LJ DOA:

A user enters the support area.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, sir?
Rahaeli: What do you mean, "sir"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a
R: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lass. I wish to complain about
this website what I purchased not half an hour ago
from this very boutique.
R: Oh yes, the, uh, the LiveJournal...What's, uh...What's
wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lass. It's dead,
that's what's wrong with it!
R: No, no, it's uh,'s just your ISP.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead website when I see one, and
I'm looking at one right now.
R: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable site,
LiveJournal, isn'it, ay? Wonderful community!
C: The community don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
R: Nononono, no, no! it's resting!
C: All right then, if its's restin', I'll wake it up!
(pings the website)
'Ello, Mister LiveJournal! I've got a lovely fresh new post
for you if you show...(Rahaeli pulls up the Google cache)
R: There, the site!
C: No, it isn't, that's you pullin' up the Google cache!
R: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
R: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and 'refresh' repeatedly) 'ELLO LIVEJOURNAL!!!!!
Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Hits refresh again, five or six times. Watches the "Server
unreachable" error come up)
C: Now that's what I call a dead website.
R: No, no.....No, it's flooded!
R: Yeah! You flooded the database, hitting refresh so many times!!
The site's under a lot of database load, you know.
C: look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough
of this. That site is definitely down, and when I
loaded it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its
total lack of speed was due to it bein' overloaded by the free
R: Well, it''s, ah...probably pining for the days of fewer
100,000 users.
C: PININ' for the -- What kind of talk is that?
Look, why did my browser give me an error the minute I tried to
R: LiveJournal likes showing you the pretty error messages!
site, isn't, though? Lovely community!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that website a moment ago,
and I discovered the only reason that it had been visible in the
first place was that you had glued a printout of the front page to
my monitor.
R: Well, o'course there was a printout of the front page glued to
your monitor! If I hadn't glued that page there, the site would have
blinded you with its radiance the minute you turned your computer on!
C: "VOOM"?!? Look, this site wouldn't "voom" if you put four
million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
R: No no! It's pining!
C: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This site is no more!
It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to the great bit bucket
in the sky! It's a /dev/null! Bereft of bandwidth, it barely moves!
If you hadn't loaded the Google cache it'd be stuck forever on the error
messages! Its Apache processes are now 'istory! It's off the 'net!
It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its digital coil, run down
the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN
R: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(she takes a quick peek behind the counter)
R: Sorry, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop,
and uh, we're right out of LiveJournals.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
R: I got a DeadJournal.
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it have 900,000 community members, fast servers, friendly staff, and no ads?
R: Absolutely.
C: Right then, I'll take two.

Clearly, the site has changed some since then (like, quintupling its userbase), but it's still as appropriate today as it was then.

(If I am incorrect in who wrote it, or the copyright holder wishes for me to remove it, feel free to ask: It's definitely not mine, just something I found lying around when cleaning out my website.)

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