Chris Schmidt (crschmidt) wrote,
Chris Schmidt

  • Music:

random musings...

I remember how I used to use this journal to write so much about my emotions in my relationship. That has changed so much now... instead, I write about things, opinions rather than feelings.

I don't know if this is a good change or a bad one. On the good side, you see more interesting things here: ideas, thoughts, musings. However, on the negative side, this journal represents less clearly the thoughts that I have. There is no emotive attachment. There is no idea of how exactly I feel with regard to a specific subject: instead, only my outward thoughts on it, rather than an emotional attachment, is given.

It's just something I had noticed recently. This journal has changed a lot over the past year and a bit, and looking at the past and the present, I must admit, I prefer reading the entries now. However, I will not state that I don't like what I used to write: I did, at the time. My past is part of who I am, and I'm glad to have it recorded in such a medium.

I've been completely slacking on all development and support and creative activities lately. The styles I am working on (Kamara and Damnitnicole) are both in progress, but I have no motivation to get them done.

I don't even keep up with LJ stuff anymore. I am falling into being one of the lazy people who just pays and ignores everything else.

It's 5.40 in the morning, I'm listening to "Let You Down", and contemplating life. It's nice. I need to find some friends to bullshit with at 2 in the morning. Unlike Simon's Rock-ers, who apparently think they can solve the problems of the world, I instead just try to solve my own problems: sometimes successfully, but more often than not, just providing contemplative analysis.

I'm happy. It's been a long time, but I'm sitting here, headphones on, windows open, fan on, and grinning. I don't know what caused it. Maybe it was my phone call earlier... it's been a long time since I've talked to Jess like that, and it's a nice reminder of how things used to be and are working on being again.

She'll be here in 2.5 weeks. I really can't wait. I can't wait to show her around campus, have her meet my friends, completely get mind-fucked by Illinoisians, especially the hippy type that tend to congregate in college campuses. Allen Hall has no shortage of any kind of alternative lifestyle, be it sexual, religious, or political. (Well, we might be a bit short on republicans, but still.) It's an interesting mix of all the different lifestyles that people live, and I love it here.

I love Jess, but really, I'm in the right place for me right now. I love this hall, I love this school, and I don't want to give any of this up for anything. I feel like this is just part of the growing up process, and it's a part I don't want to skip.

People interact with me differently now than they used to. Then again, maybe I interact differently as well: my ways of looking at myself and at life have changed significantly over the past 3 months to a much more stable, mature point of view, which I like. However, as a result, I keep getting hit on by random females ;) I'm hoping that stops at some point, but who knows.

I haven't really gotten into class mode yet: homework and other concerns have not yet presented themselves, and I love just enjoying this time.

3 day weekend. I should take advantage of that. Sadly, my only money right now is in the form of travellers checks. I should fix that ;)

Anyway, this is probably enough random musings for a while. I'm not really sleepy, so maybe I'll turn on one of my movies. Or just sit here, let the music I'm enjoying wash over me, and drift off dreaming of what is now, and what is to be.

Many thanks to all those who have helped me through rough spots this week, and many many thanks to Jess, to whom I owe... well, quite a bit in my opinion. I love her, and she's been amazing to me, no matter how I've acted. Thank you to those of you here at U of I, those of you online, those of you who offered a kind word or offered to drag me out of the dorm room for some exposure to sunlight (or, in Vered's case, some good music at least). Thank you to those of you who have provided emotional support and advice. Thanks to those who have been there for me, to those who have smiled at me, to those who have continually attempted to convince me that I'm worth hanging out with - it's helped a lot.

Thank you to those of you who keep dropping by and saying hi: you make me feel popular as hell, and that's a damn fucking cool feeling.

Take care of yourselves. No one else can be depended on to do it, but every now and then, someone will help you along, and it just makes the path that much easier.

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