October 10th, 2005



When using initials, I typically go by CRS. When I was in fourth grade, and we used initials as a primary identifier (rather than names) on most papers, there were two "CS" people in my class. As a result, I was asked to switch to using CRS instead - something that stuck with me for a long time.

Most people who have seen stuff of mine online realize that although this is the case, I also have a "heavy metal" C and S as my favicon on my website, something I've been calling my "logo" for quite some time. (If you have an SVG viewer installed, you can also see a larger version via http://crschmidt.net/about/logo.)

This was built in reaction to some other students drawing initials for themselves on the bus windows in 8th grade: Those of us in double-advanced math took the bus over to the high school for math, and on the way home, in the winter, we all had our own seats (there were about 15 of us on a full school bus) so we basically did whatever we wanted. The initials were a retaliatory comeback to someone saying that they would be hard to write in the condensation on the glass, because of all the curves: I took this into account by removing the curves, resulting in the straight C and S in the "logo" of sorts.

The reason there is no R is twofold: First, fitting an R in there would just be hard. Secondly, at the time, first two initials were the only thin in question.

So, the logo that I commonly use was developed on the side of a bus, taking a group of the smartest kids in 8th Grade in St. Charles back from HIgh School to Middle School, in 1997.
pho, food


Cleaning since 10am. Tasks included, so far, are:

* Removal of 3 bags of misc. crap from girls room. Broken guitar, misc. blocks, pieces of don't break the ice leftover from scattering.
* 8 loads of laundry and folding most of said laundry.
* Fixing light switch in bedroom to flip the right way (included 4 trips down two floors and up two floors, because i'm a moron)
* Complete and total cleaning of the girls "play" area (led to aforementioned 3 bags)
* Loading dishwasher twice
* Emptying once
* Cleaning up all the misc. crap that has made its way into the living room since we deep-cleaned it last week
* Attempting to clean some of the stuff that we had lying around in the bedroom, especially on my side of the bed. Only partly successful here.
* Making the girls beds with clean sheets.
* Attaching the bunk bed ladder to the bunk bed, finally
* Removing the mountains of clothing from everywhere in the house to the hamper, where we're down to only 2-3 loads of laundry left.

Earlier this week, I set up the stereo in my room (rather than downstairs), and given the check I've got coming in from consulting work soon, I paid off all the bills we had outstanding other than the two big credit card bills. I also finally bought Jess her birthday present: a 20 GB iPod. Should be here by the end of the week, which will be nice. (The others are simply too small, storage wise, and the 60GB is really past a price point for most consumers, imho.)

I'm exhausted... and I just realized that I never posted this, even though I started writing it at 9pm, and wrote another entry later. I was kind of expecting some comments on it, heh.

Hello Goodbye...

I wanted to sleep, but I guess I...
Don't have the strength to sleep tonight...
Another day and I'm on my feet,
yeah you're the reason I'm afraid...
The reason I'm afraid...
and I want you to know,
It's killing me.

Don't know if anyone here has ever heard of DC Talk - it's a Christian rock band, or something similar, I think, but I heard them once at a retreat as part of my confirmation. I don't like most of their music, but this song has stuck to me like glue over the years. (The song is "It's Killing Me", for the record.)

I can't sleep. I want to go clean some more. I should do work instead. I just posted an entry that I forgot to last night, about the cleaning I did yesterday -- the house actually has areas of it that are *really* clean now, places I can go and sit and not see any mess. This is pretty new. I should not clean the whole house.

My head is all fucked up inside. Everything I do right now is the wrong decision: I wish I had a punching bag, so I could go and beat the shit out of something until I'm in tears and fall back asleep.

Instead, I'll probalby sit here, and play around on the computer, doing absolutely nothing of any use to anyone, until the sun comes up.

Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if life had been different. The punching bag made me think of it - I started thinking that if I was at UIUC, I'd have access to a weight room, access to a way to get frustrations out. Although I suppose even WIMPE is closed at 5:30 in the morning. What if i was able to get up in two hours, walk across lightly dew covered grass to a mostly empty athletic facility, and rode a bike as hard as possible? What if I didn't have anyone to worry if I wasn't home when they got up in a couple hours, and I could ride south to the cow farm at UIUC and sit until dawn in a hoodie, watching my breath condense and the sun rise?

What if I had gone to MIT, or Stanford, instead of UIUC? What if I had taught myself to code not little things, but big things, right from the beginning, and had gotten myself such a name before I left high school that people actually had heard of me? Would that have changed anything? With almost-perfect SAT scores and a decent GPA, could I have gotten into MIT?

Could I get in now?

I don't think either is the case, to be honest. In a few more years, there's a chance that my name might mean something to people, but I'm not there yet. I'm still a developer working under the umbrella of other companies - no one has bought something I made.

But maybe it's almost time. Maybe I'm getting there. Maybe dropping in on a few classes, attending lectures and meeting people there will let me make some connections, get people who are there to be able to recommend me, somehow get me in a backdoor when I never could have gotten in the front.

Or maybe it won't. Maybe I'll finish off school at some po-dunk community college, and no one will ever care where I went, because it really doesn't matter. Maybe my resume will be complete without a four year degree. Maybe I can be successful without school, and it's not just luck that's getting me through.

There's so many what ifs that run through my head all the time. So many. And I don't know whether they matter or not, but I'm feeling more and more disconnected from everything, especially the now.