April 21st, 2003


TI Entry #1

The weekend was good.

I spent most of it at home. I thought about seeing Erin, but looking back, Im rather glad I didnt. Derek is having a lot of trouble it seems like, and I would hate to take away his limited time with Erin. I know Sarah didn't like it much when I spent my time with other people - she often took it very personally. If I was only in town for three days, why couldn't I just spend it with her? So I understand a wish to spend the limited time available with a significant other.

I talked to Mark a bit about Plogs on Sat night/Sun morning. I really need to just buckle down and get to work on that site. For a while, LJ code seemed kind of dead in the water. Lately {since whitaker was hired} things have been jumping, which means plogs is kind of behind. On the plus side, we have had SOME more customers (including the Pres of the company running the Nimbus Con), which is nice but its just not enough. Alex wants to work together, but he seems to disappear for weeks at a time in some cases, which just kind of sucks. We recently offered a deal on year long accounts, which makes them awfully cheap atm. (down to $10 for a year long full account!)

I'm typing this on my ti-89 in my cs 231 class, which is kind of neat. Of course, that means I'll spend forever trying to get it off the calculator. One problem with this calc is that the period is in the same key as the w - there is no way to type a period without turning off the caps lock, which is sucky design. Such is life, I suppose.

Busy week for me. 2 exams on wednesday night, which is rather suck. Friday night I have a curry thing for Japanese culture class, which should be fun. On the plus side, this is my last class for the day. Normally i'd have a class and a lab, but the class is a TA review session {which haven't helped me in the past. The physics lab is just non-existant due to the exam this week.

I've been typing this for forty minutes, and I'm still not done. I also have no clue how long it is... It feels long, but I'm probably only typing maybe five wpm at the outside. It's nice to not have to write by hand though.

I love the prof for this class. He is just funny;). Look, I even typed a smiley! Yay for me.

I'm tired now. Damn staying up too late working on homework. That's one hugely suck part of going home: I always have a shitload to do when I get back. There's stuff that I really can't do at home, like my phys homework.

In 4 weeks, I will be home for the summer. No more fast net {yay sucky dialup}, no more late night pizza or movies or DnD. I'm going to be sad. 50 minutes. (end of class, i may edit/fix this later)
  • Current Music
    Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven

Emo Angst

Sometimes I just want to cry.

I feel so alone. I look out the windows at the cold grey world outside, and I just feel like everything that I used to have is gone. It's gone away, and I don't know what I did or why I did it that would cause it to be this way. I look at the trees out my window, and I'll see somebody walk by, and just wish I could say "Take me with you! I don't care where you're going, I just want to get away."

I've always wanted to be something other than what I am. Nothing's changed. I want to be older, smarter, better. I want to be able to say what I mean, and I can't. Even now, I'm just looking around, like looking at this room will help me identify who I am.

Sometimes, I'll just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I'll look up at the ceiling, and just stare. There's nothing there. It's just plain white, and when it's dark, it's not even that. I just stare, looking for answers that aren't there.

Were they there before? I don't know, but I know I didn't used to feel so empty. I didn't use to go to sleep at night with such thoughts in my head. There was always somebody, some thing to think about. There was none of this lonliness, none of this sadness, it was all just... right. Or if not right, there was at least emotion there. There was some kind of feeling that I just don't have anymore.

What happened to me? What happened to the me that used to be? What happened to everything that I used to be? Is that all gone? the fun. the happy. I used to go play DDR at Christy's... now I just go and sit and stare at the ceiling in her room instead. And sometimes i just want to scream, because there's nothing I can do about it, there's nothing I can do to make it better, there's nothing I can do to fix it. Because I don't know what it is, I don't know where it came from. I just know that it seems...

I feel different. Then again, maybe I should. My life has changed. everything about me has changed. I don't think I fully accepted beign here when I first got here... I was still trapped in the past. Now I'm starting to move on, and finding out how hard it is to pick up the pieces.

I reach around the globe to find someone. I reach to people I know I'll never meet. Why? because it's safe? Because they can't "hurt" me? I don't know. I just know what I do.

Sometimes I just want to cry.
  • Current Music
    Orbital - Halcyon + On + On