December 23rd, 2002

photogeek

Good Lord, this is long

Well, I've been home for less than 24 hours, and already I'm singing "No more Drama."

Last night, I got home (to my house) around 9:45. Ran in, carried all my stuff in. I had called sarah around 9:20 and let her know the situation and when I would be home and her parents said it would be okay if I came over. So, I said hi to my parents, etc. and left to go to her house. She was sitting on the stoop, looking pouty when I go there. I was extremely hyper because I was glad to be home. I basically did everything I could to convince her that we could work things out - I sat on the stoop with her for a while, just hugging her and letting her be/hoping she'd feel better.

For a while after we went in (you people down south odn't understand maybe, but it gets fuckin freezing in illinois - it was okay last night, but i was still cold) we just kind of layed on the couch and looked around at christmas decorations and talked with her parents. I feel fairly comfortable around them now, which is impressive, because i still always think they're going to eat me or something.

After a while, i got tired of just sitting there and decided I wanted to go see the lights in Sarah's room (although I think she planted the idea - I don't really remember. We wandered upstairs and just friendly chatted/hung out for a while. I had told her I didn't really feel like getting into serious conversation about things that have happened this week last night - I wanted one more good night before it all broke up, if that was going to happen. On the way over there, I really thought that WAS what was goign to happen. I was going to spend one last night being with her, then I'd go over there tonight, talk to her, and destroy everything. I don't know why I thought that was a good idea, other than the fact that i'm very selfish, but it was the idea I had.

Anyway, we had decided no serious talking, so I just did some not serious talking. At some point, we laid down, and just kept getting more and more serious in our conversations. I didn't put a lot of effort into the journal thing at this point, because I wanted to save that for later. But I did bring up trust, and depression, and other issues like that. Basically, my overall point was that I thought we could work this out, but we both (meaning she.) needed to work on the issues that we were having problems with: being depressed often for no real reason, and so on. Nothing that hasn't been brought up before, but it's definitely quite different when it's actual pillow talk (literally - we were both laying on her pillow, looking at each other and talking). We were talking about everything that's gone on while i've been gone, kind of - her being upset, me being sad about it, and all that jazz. We both knew some things had to change, and I mentioned that "I've said this before, but if we can't work this out so that you're not CONSTANTLY depressed, it's not going to work." Basically, that worried her, because she doesn't (and I still don't know if she does) know if there's any way she can not be depressed. But, we do have a month to fix that, so we'll see what happens.

Anyway, just about the time we were going to start talking seriously about the journal stuff, i hear this *pop* and a light goes on. I had no clue what it was... then turned around and saw Sarah's dad had hit the remote control for her light by her computer. (they're all controlled by one remote.) Scared the crap outta me - i thought it was some kind of explosion. (or, as sarah would say: "Somethin 'sploded!" ;)) Just as we were getting back to talking, Sarah's dad walked in. He said I had to leave. I thought we had worked out a fairly okay stopping point - we were both happy, we both were lovey dovey, and were happy with each other. So, I went. Making Mr. Cable happy is always a good thing - the guy scares me.

Anyway, went home, got online (eventually. I had forgotten the password to my aim account, and i had it emailed - but since i changed the password to my email account, I couldn't get it) on ChrisRS84 (my school computer was still in pieces in boxes).

She said she was still worried. I said there wasn't anything to worry about right now. She said she couldn't stop thinking about what was going to happen when break was over. I said not to worry about it right now. She said she couldn't help it. and so it went, back and forth for two hours. At the end of that, I basically said - "I don't know what to do" and just went to lay down. Fell aslsep (of course) and didn't wake back up til 11am.

At that point, she had posted in her journal that our relationship was over, had emailed me and imed me a couple times saying "i'm sorry". I didn't really know what to do - my girlfriend broke up with me while I was asleep. How could I respond to that? There wasn't any real way in my mind. Basically, I was in shock. I bitched about stuff in IRC - acted real superior, since it was the only way I knew how to not start crying, which I really didn't need again. I'd done enough of that the night before. Had some lunch around noon or so, and started typing up this entry. (yes, I know.) Anyway, around 1 or so I talked to her, and decided to just try and pull the "can we still be friends" talk. This actually worked better than anything else I've tried - i think it helped a lot to see that, for whatever reason. Basically, off and on all afternoon (between my setting things up, unpacking, moving around, playing with the laptop my dad brought home from work, cleaning up, discussing presents, and everything else) we talked and became in better and better spirits. I think around 6pm or so we decided that we were basically unbroken up (well, she decided). Then we started talking about "What do you want to do tonight?"

I was crabby. I'm tired (still am, but can't sleep with this thing already being started.), I'm not in such a great mood. So I say "well, i really don't want to do anything if there's nothing to do." This isn't really true - it's more that I have a million other things to do before I worry about hanging out with Sarah. She gets kind of pissed. Not a big surprise there, since that's kind of what we always do, and i'm bashing it. I didn't mean it, so I called her and tried to get her to calm down. Explained why, all that kind of stuff. I was unpacking, I was busy, I hadn't eaten yet - all very valid reasons in my mind. She just kept getting more upset.

Eventually, I just had to go and clean. So I did. I took care of what I had to. And when I got back, her away message said she was crying, and her journal entry said she needed a hug. So I decided that I would give her one. I had a million things I had to do, but #1 thing on my mind is really making Sarah and I happy. No, it's not as one sided as I act. I love Sarah, but I know that I can't be there for her all the time, and I have to protect my best interests too. I just knew I could what I did this time. SO I went over, and gave her a hug. We just kind of stood there for 15 minutes, and then I skedaddled, because her parents who had gone out Christmas light browsing were due back (they got back when i was about 3 minutes from her house). We weren't doing anythign ( iw as only there for 15 minutes) but I didn't want to be there when I shouldn't be.

She felt much better. I felt much better. We all felt much better. I got done everything I needed to, and by the time I did, I was just kind of draggin online. I actually went to bed before her tonight. It was really weird. But I couldn't sleep, so here I am. And this entry has now been a work in progress for 13 hours, and I'm finally done.

Some quick notes: www.illiniunionbookstores.com if you're at UofI. Check it out, it's incredible. I've already saved about 50 bucks on books, and I just found another 2 books I can buy there and save myself another 20. No gimmicks either - they just hook people up with email addresses. No paying online, No nothing.

Total sell back cost, had I sold back every single one of the books I bought at the beginning of the semester? 33 dollars. Original cost of those books? close to 500 dollars. This is why this site is in existence.

Book costs for next semester: paid already, $95. Cost for two books bought through bookstore - $150 or so. Total remaining cost - $170 through bookstore. However, assuming the two trades I just initiated on that site work out, I should only be paying $150.

Grades: So far, I've gotten three back. Got a B- in my chem lab, a B in chem, and a B+ in CS173. Fairly good grades so far, and I'm expecting an A in photo. S in Sci and Society (it's S/U graded) and B in Math and Music (i'm hoping for math, and expecting for music.) Not a bad first semester, from the horror stories people tell. I'm glad it's over, but I'm also sad it went by so fast. I had a great time, with great people, and it's sad to think it's already 1/7th of my college life over. that's almost 15% (14.2856% off the top of my head). Final for chem was less than spectacular (75/100 scaled), although CS wasn't too bad (25th percentile? something like that). Hopefully I'll be able to pull those all up next semester.

I'm still running the syn_promo script here at home - it's a bit slower, but I hadn't realized I was getting the slow server access anyway, so I was limited to dialup speeds. This means it's a lot faster than I expected.

I'm looking forward to Christmas. Not looking forward to doing shopping/work tomorrow.

I'm happy that Sarah and I are okay. Very happy. And I'm going to stay that way. :-P

Todo list before Christmas:
Go to Jewel, talk to them about working for the rest of break.
Find out what Dave wants, and buy it for him.
Buy second gift for mom.
Buy gift for dad.
Wrap all gifts.
Figure out what to get Sarah.

Send back ink
Send back geneva letter

Todo list over break:
Organize mp3 collection. ALL OF IT. 5200 of them.
Learn a bit more perl.
Keep an eye out for books, especially Data Structures and their algorithms
Try and organize computer filing system
Possibly reinstall machine
Finish all friends list cleanup
Go to chicago with erin. too late, she's already back at school
Send things to Kristan
Send things to Jenny
Possibly make some new UPIs
Rework that damn newbie email that looks like crap because it has too much info int it (and yes, it is all my fault because I just kept letting it get bigger.) Since I quit support, this no longer matters

People to see/talk to:
ET
Carolyn
Blair
Erin H.
Tara/Liz/Hannah(/Sarah, but that's obvious)
Kara Richards (yes, she's just a redhead cheerleader, but I kind of miss talking to her)
Kalynn? Maybe. Depends how she's been lately don't want to.
That's all i can think of right now

And now that I've posted an incredible flood on your friends page, I'm going to sleep. good night, all.