January 23rd, 2002

photogeek

if you could only see the way 1/23/2002

she loves me, then maybe you would understand.
why i feel this way about my love, and what i must do.
if you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
when she says she loves me
well you got your reasons
and you got your life
and you got your manipulations
to cut me down to size
say you love but you don't but you won't
if you could only see the way she loves me then maybe you would understan
why i feel this way about our love and what i must do.
if you could only see how blue her eyes can be bewhen seh says
when she loves me
you take the road less traveled.


eh, that's all i can make out. and it really doesn't fit as well as i thought it would.

anyway - he doesn't believe me. he's called me a liar, he thinks i'm just trying to break them up by anything i say. i'm not. i don't want to. at least not meaning to. but like i said - theredhead thinks i am too. so maybe he's not quite as much of a thickskulled idiot as i'm thinking he is. which is good, i guess, since i wouldn't want her to like a guy that is an idiot. so, maybe my original convictions that this was a bad guy for her arn't completely right. but like i've said again and again - i don't know him. so, he could really be a great guy. but i don't think i'm going to get a chance to learn, not while she's around. the only oppourtunity would have been if i met him before i knew that he knew her - met him alone, hung out with him as a friend of my brother or something. that's the only way i could have gotten an honest opinion. because other than that, there's no way i could see the real him - and maybe even that wouldn't have worked. because his attitude towards most people seems to be like what a lot of the other people his age use - an immature, i don't know and i don't care attitude. So, she sees something in him that i haven't been able to. that's why i keep getting in the way, i think. it's not just that she's got another guy, i dont' think (although i'm not really sure on this either). it's that it's HIM. the kid that i've never gotten an oppourtunity to know. the freshman. i don't know.

other questions have been plauging my mind too though: why couldn't she tell me? why couldn't she tell me before? why did i have to find out less than 12 hours before everyone else? and why did i find out from him? that just doens't make sense. I understand why they wouldn't tell people in general. but even if she told me that she and some guy liked each other - it would have helped. it would have helped me get over it. but she obviously doesn't trust me as much as i thought she did - as much as i trust her. i mean, i know i'm not the best at keeping secrets - but i can do it if i really need to, and i think she would have had the ability to import to me the importantance in this case.

i don't know. he just apologized. i don't know what to do with that - it would have been much easier if he didn't. i want to be able to hate him without feeling guilty, and now i can't. damn emotions. oh well.
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photogeek

i'm starting to figure it out 1/23/2002

This around here are still crazy, but it's getting better. Finals are really more imporatnat than anything else right now, even for a senior. Jeez - these are my last finals ever! how can that be?! That's pretty freaky, and i only realized it after i started typing this - pretty weird. But my english final went pretty well, a lot better than i thought it would. this morning i'm giong out to breakfast with JF, we're going to the manor for the first half of 2nd hour. I have the physics final that i can flunk and get a B, or get a 94% and get an A. I don't expect the second option. Then i have econ 4th hour with the supposedly easy insurance test (at least according to the redhead). So, i'm not too worried about today.
My life right now is like a high-amplitude sine curve with a VERY short period - lots of ups and downs. There's nothing i can do about it really, but everything i do makes huge jumps in my emotional level. the biggest thing i'm scared of right now is what the redhead said last night - "Are you fighting this thing?" I hope i'm not, but she thinks i am... i need to figure out why, because that's the one thing i don't want to do. I want them to do what they need to do. Like i told her a lot - i don't want to cause a breakup, or anything to change between them over me. Of course, i've been hearing that he's saying the same things aboout me that i have been about him - that why would she like to be around me, why would she hang out with such a dork, etc. That makes me feel much better, let me tell you . I called her last night to invite her to breakfast - she couldn't come because she needed to study for calc still. This is so crazy. What i figured out is this though: i just know that i can't talk to her about whatever i want anymore - i have to think what he would think. and i can't go out with her without feelign guilty and i can't go out with the two of them without feeling like a third wheel. So, things are changing. and that's what i didn't want - and i think it's what she didn't want either. None of those things are really her fault at all - and they certainly arn't his. I do wish he could act a bit more grown up around me though - i'm having trouble seeing him be mature because everything we've talked about he sounds like a possessive little kid.

I've said stuff i shouldn't - but it's my opinions. to anyone who reads this, especially those who know who i'm talking about, realize that this is just my experience, nothing else.

On a happier note - rewatched the end and the first 8 chapters of moulin rouge last night. the beginning of that movie is kinda goofy - but the end is well worth it. so emotional. also, slept on the floor last night - that is the best nights sleep i've gotten in weeks. So, maybe i'll start doing it more. Also, went to benigans (first time in years) with JF and LM yesterday. Then went to a movie with LM and AH, (beautiful mind again - great movie). Lost my wallet there unfortunatly. Luckily, i still had most of my cash at home. i payed my dad back for parking tickets. So... yeah, nothing really big besides the same thing since saturday night. that'as about it. good luck on finals, and i suppose i should go put on some publically acceptable clothes. -crs
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