January 20th, 2002


dorms 1/20/2002

i sent in my dorm stuff. Illinois street first choice, allen second, and weston exploration third. who knwos which i'll get - ISR is known for being mostly for continuing students, so we'll see how that works out.

i apologize for the extremly long time since i wrote. so much stuff has happened. i'll try and do a quick summary of the most important things, at least to me.

first thing is that i told the girl that i've had a crush on for 2 years that i have a crush on her. i always talk about the girls i like with her, and when i told her i had kind of stopped trying to go after someone she asked "who's next", basically. i decided that this question deserved an answer - told her i'd email her. i took 2 or 3 days to think about it. this is the email i sent her:

"Hey *name*-

On Sunday night, I told you I would email you the answer to your question, "who is the girl thats catching your eye now that ec is kind of out of the picture?" I told you i didn't want to answer right then, which was partly because of self-preservation, and partly because I was scared of how you would respond. I'm really bad at writing, but i'm even worse at talking, which is why I'm choosing to do this this way.

Throughout my high school career, I've liked a lot of girls. You may have realized this through talking to me - someone once told me that I like a different girl every week. Although this may seem true, there is one girl that I've liked a lot, someone that I think is funny, interesting, and smart. This person has kept my eye, drawing me back to her again and again. No matter what I do, this girl comes into my mind all the time. I've never really had the guts to tell her exactly what I think of her in a serious tone. Although I've mentioned it a couple times in passing, every time I do, she seems to brush it off as a joke, something I'm just saying to flatter her. This isn't the case, but I've pretty much stopped bringing it up, because I don't want to get rejected.

I try to be outgoing, but i'm still pretty scared of being told no. This is why I dont' always tell people who exactly I like. Although I mention a lot of names, a lot of the time the girl that I really like doesn't make it onto these lists. I try to keep knowledge of who I like to a small group of people that I know I can trust. By telling you - you're in the circle. Of course, as you may see later, there is a bit more than the standard reason to leave you in the cold on it a little longer.

I often wonder to myself whether I like girls just because they're there, or because I actually have feelings for them. I know for a lot of girls that I mention, the girl is just a passing fad. This isn't true for the girl I like now. I met her last year, and ever since then I've held a quiet like for her. This is anothe reason why i've kind of waited on telling her - I wanted to make sure it was real, and not some passing fad. I would hate to actually get involved with someone who I didn't end up liking for whatever reason.

Now, after that long, carefully worded essay of an email, I have this to say.... The girl I like, *name*, is you, *name*. Ever since last year in spanish, you've been able to make me cheer up just by being around you. I don't know what your response is going to be to this. I would hope that you would take it seriously, at the very least, because every word I've said is true. And I'm done. So, read this, ignore it, burn it and delete it or whatever - but I like you no matter what.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Sorry I was so late on the delivery. And i'll talk to you online in just a minute ;)"

i thought it was sweet, cool, etc. and i had a kind of feeling (at the very least hope) that she would respond in the same manner. however... her response wasn't exactly what i had expected.

"schmidt, yeah i got your email. i'm sorry to say but i don't feel the same way about you. i do like you but only as a friend. and i'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but its the truth and i'd rather have you know the truth and us still be able to be friends than lie to you and break up our friendship. i totally love being around you and i can easily tell you anything, and i don't want to lose that."

so, that's basically a *shotdown* type remark. i was ok for the next day, although that night i think it finally hit me, and i started crying. but i'm moving on from that still. this was on... wednesday. then saturday, i worked, blah blah. went and hung out with halo people at someones house watching movies. when i walked in, i noticed that my best friend was sharing a couch with the freshman guy who i had thought she tried to avoid. i disregarded it, being totally oblivious. when i got home, i got online, like i always do. (well, i was actually already online. but i turned my away message off ;)) he was talking about how he really wanted to talk to my best friend on the way home, but the girl they had given a ride home had been stupid and needed to be dropped off last or whatever. i was totally confused at that point. i didn't have a clue what he was talking about, just passed it off as just random stuff. then he dissapears for an hour or so, and when he comes back, he says everything is better now. then he asks what i think i know is going on. at this point, i'm figuring he wants to get back with the girl he just broke up with, or that he has girl problems or something. then i get hit with the shocker....
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cntd 1/20/2002

"ok, i am going to tell you, you are going to go wha? i am going to have to leave and then you are going to be like wha to *my best friend*. me and *my best friend* have liked each other for the longest time and we have really been trying to keep it a secret, i liked her while i was going out with *his previous girlfriend*, to me *my best friend* seems like the greatest thing on earth, life without her is nothing, every song i ahve written in the past 1-2months has been for her"
at that point - i start sobbing. i dont know what it was - whether it was that she was getting a boyfriend and i wasn't, whether it was that he was able to say what i just figured out but had never been able to say, that i was afraid of losing a friend, or what. But what i think now, is that i have liked this girl. have liked her for the 6 years i've known her well. but being unable to express it... and my typical fear of rejection... i've never said it. i convinced myself that it would never work, that she would never go out with a guy that she thought was just a friend. yet here, staring me right in the face is an example that this wasn't the case, that she would go out with a guy that was jsut her friend before. someone who she met, and thought she disliked, hated, whatever, for 4 months - only to realize that she adored him. every time i replay this conversation (and parts of the conversation i had with her) i think it's a joke, i think that someone's pulling a huge prank on me. i talked to her for hours - and i still don't nkow what i feel. i'm scared though, because if nothing else - my last backup is gone. the girl i've always had there for me seems to be heading towards a relationship with another guy. and that scares me. i need a safety net, and having 2 of them taken away in a week is a bit much.

so, that's my most recent history. and this wno't get posted til who knows when, because, as usual, OD is being a bitch. so, sorry for the late/untimeliness of this.

finals this week too. great. just whati need when i can't take my mind off of girls/friends (or any combination therein) - tests that count for 20% of my grade. Wish me luck *sigh* -crs
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why... 1/20/2002

don't you just kill me now?

there's a couple things that suck.

finding out the new girl that you had hoped to maybe try and hook up with is completely uninterested in you, as is evidenced by her NEVER talking to you longer than she has to as well as telling you she can't do stuff on the same night that she stays home.

finding out your best friend has a guy that she adores... and finding out at the same time that you really do like her, despite what you've been telling yourself.

finding out the girl you've been trying to possibly get a date with for 2 years likes you "as a friend" because she can "talk to you about anything".

having a brother more observant of relationships and such going on right under your own nose than you are.

having no more backups. be they friends, enemies, or even just hot chicks - no one to fall back on. it sucks.

Aint it funny, how time slips away.
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