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I hate when I want to cry, and I don't even have a real reason.

People, people, everywhere people just doing things, or making me do things, or making me want to do things. I just want to scream, sometimes, and now is one of them.

I don't want to go home this summer. I don't want to live in a household that's full of bickering and bitching, I don't want to live in a household that full of yelling and screaming.

I'm comfortable here. I like it here. I like being here, I like living here, I like the atmosphere. I like being away from home, being on my own, being with friends here.

I'm going to go home this summer, and so much that i've worked on this year is going to be gone, some of it forever. Things are going to change, and it's not going to be fun.

I want a girlfriend. As soon as I go back to STC, all prospects of that will be gone for the summer. Not that I had any prospects anyway.

I want someone that I can cuddle up to, someone I can snuggle with without feeling guilty. Someone who I know I can just be with and be happy and not have to worry about what I'm doing, not have to worry about what emotions I'm causing or breaking, not have to worry about the mental damage I'm doing.

Erin and Erin have boyfriends. Sarah doesn't think it's right for people to cuddle with people who aren't in a relationship. Blair is distant, carolyn has a boyfriend too. That's the only people I ever talked to on a regular basis in that town, the only people I really know. I don't even know any guys there. I never hung out with guys, I just never wanted to.

I'm going to go home, and I'm going to work all summer, and I"m going to hate it. I just want to pretend it's going to be alright, but the thing is that it won't be alright. It's going to suck and there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I can fix, nothing I can try to change, because it's all just junk.

It's gotten to the point where the stupidest little things set me off. A comment in another person's journal makes me want to scream. Comments that get sent to me, mis threaded in the comments, piss me off. Things like that. And I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to feel.

According to calculations provided by asciikarl, i should be getting $100 bucks from doing LJ dev work. That's neat, but it's less than half of what I would have gotten had brad not been... brad. I would have kept working here, not started work on plogs.

Plogs. plogs is broke this month. We're not making any money, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to advertise, or who to advertise to. I'm so tempted to just add extra stuff into all those comic feeds. a nice little link to plug for plogs. I could affect the friends page of 10,000 people in one line of code, and nobody could stop me, nobody would care. I'm providing the feeds, I can do what I want with them.

*sigh* I don't know what to do. I'm just sitting here with my eyes damp. I can't even cry. It just hurts so much.

1 year, 1 day, 12 hours and 25 minutes ago, Sarah and I became a couple. I don't think I need to say a lot more on that topic.

Some people just make me want to scream. People who just... I don't even know. and now I'm really crying. I think I'll just stop and go away now. Go eat lunch or something. I don't know. I hate this. I hate this feeling of being completely unable to help myself, completely unable to help those around me. My friends are hurting, and I can't help, my best friends reach out, and if I reach out an arm to help them, they'll either pull me in with them, or I'll drop them and feel worse than before. THere's nothing I can do, nothing I can say to make any of this better, nothing I can say to fix things. I just want to die, I just want to run away from the entire world and live on my own in a corner where no one can see me.

I didn't cry whiel falling asleep last night, but I might as well have. Nobody cares, nobody should care, and even those who do, they really can't help, because this isn't their fault, it's nobody's fault but my own. THere's something inside of me that I can't fix, and I don't know what it is, all I know is that everything about me hurts, everything on my insides just aches for something, and I don't even know what it is. I just want to be happy, I want a good steady job and I want people to stop yelling at me all the time, and telling me what to do. You think I don't have a hard time getting stuff done? You think college life is easy? Do you know I FLUNKED my physics exam? Not just didn't pass, not didnt' do well, I actually got a 58% on my last exam, an F on my last exam, and I can't do anything about it. I studied forever. This isn't easy for me, I'm used to being smart, to doing things right and not even having to try.

I dont' even know what I"m writing about, this has just been me typing for 10 minutes trying to get all these hurts, these pains out of my head , Ijust want them all to go away so I can be happy. I want someone, I want something. I want to go on a road trip this summer and see everyone in the world that I haven't seen yet, I want to see all these peopel I talk to, all these friends I've made, I want to meet them in real life, I want to give them a hug or a handshake or something and have them see the real me, see the real me and tell me if al lthe stuff the say all the time is still true.

Most of you if you met me in real life wouldn't think half as well of me as you do now. I'm not who I pretend to be, I'm not even who I am, I'm a nobody, I'm a nothing, I'm just an existential being who sits here at a computer. My life isn't lived out there, outside the window, it's lived here, and I don't know whether that's good or not. I 'm so much safer here, so much happier when I"m here. when I go out there, all I find is pain and misery and memories of things that will never come to be again, things that I can't change and things that I won't change and everything and I just don't know.

This is so rambly, but I don't care. this is my journal, this is my feelings, this is who I am. and who i am is a rambly confused idiot who can't ever stop crying. I just want to go to sleep, curl up in a corner and give up, but I can't. I can't even sleep. I sleep for 6 hours and then I wake up and it doesn't matter what my clock says, I can't go back to sleep, I can't pretend the day isn't starting at just go back to bed.

I dont' knwo what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, and it scares me.

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I wanted you to know that I do read these posts, I do feel bad for you, but I'm not sure what I can do to help without telling you to get out, enjoy the weather and try not to feel so sorry for yourself. It's just that you do this so often and because of how you word it, I don't think anyone is sure of how to make you feel better. I could just say a simple "*hugs*" but I ran out of those by using them every single time you and Sarah broke up. If there's anything that I can do, all you have to do is let me know. If you just keep doing this, getting depressed all the time, nothing is going to get better.

Everyone feels like this sometimes. I don't really want to go home either. All I'm going home to are my bickering sisters, a bad-paying summer job (that I don't even have yet) and dial-up internet service that I can't even use my own computer on. And I know what it feels like to want someone in your life. But unfortunately, this like that aren't always waiting around when you want them. College *is* hard, and I feel stupid all the time. I was one of the smartest people in my high school, as I know you were. This is what happens when we go to a university with higher standards. Some of us fall lower.

And you're not a nobody. And don't ever let yourself think that. I wish I could say more but I can't think of anything to say or do that will make you feel better.

I just wrote a really long comment, but I'm rate limited, so it died.

Basically, I was just venting. I'm better now. I got out of my room, went to class, got some food, and feel better. I'm going out tonight, which is good, and stuff.

I sometimes get in this mood (as I'm sure everyone does) where I just feel set adrift, and all that. I get upset, and I just write. I can type two times as fast when I'm upset at something, I swear. So I just type, and it turns into this huge long ramble about how horrible my life is. But at the same time, I realize "Hey. My life is really awesome. I've got good friends, family, a place to live, etc." (Yes, that's the exact quote of my mind.) However, it doesn't stop me from telling the world and all those who wish to hear about it my wonderous adventures into nowhere land with the beautiful "post" button.

And i still haven't finished this. stupid commenting. I got distracted by a quotes database.

Bah, I'll just post it now. Thank you. Really. I mean it.


I would definately like to be one of the people you meet if you take a road trip, you're one of my best online friends.

And you aren't a nobody, even though it might not be much, you're my friend and that makes you a VIP in my eyes. I know what it's like to feel down, to want something and you can't figure out what it is. I wish I could give you some advice, say something, anything, that would make you feel better. But I can't. I can just be here to listen whenever you need to talk.

Doesn't want to cuddle with someone she's not in a relationship with??? That's warped... *cuddles you*

I know I'm new around here, but if you want to email your phone number, I have free long distance on my cell phone, and sometimes verbalizing can help. :)

Where's "home," anyway?

sorry you're feeling so down :(

I've been there many, many times.

*big hugs*

everything will be okay. don't worry. stuff may seem like it's horrible and you're never going to get through it, but that's not true. you're awesome. i truly honestly believe that.

Smile. <3

I will cuddle with you. The cuddling thing? Yeah. Me: "Cuddling. I cuddle with Chris and never with anyone else. Who is Chris? Chris is my boyfriend. Therefore cuddling must be for boyfriend." That was my logic. Now I've had two other males whose shoulder I've slept one. (Well, only one did I actually sleep on.). New information and my view changed.

Don't hate it. Think of it as a break from hard hard work and getting money and (are you getting a GA pass again..?) great america and having privacy and real food and stuff. Not evil family and crap job. ;)

Stupid things piss me off too. Let's beat that away with a stick too. ;)

And the 100 bucks...they didn't have to give you anything. ;) optomisim, c'mon! ;)

I'm pretty sure I'm in the "best friends" thing, but I don't really know anymore. I do know that you do help me and I just be stubborn about it. Need to fix that. That's my problem, not yours, and you've helped me be much happier. thank you. :)

if you run away to a corner where no one can see you, i'm going to come in there and drag you out because you don't really want to be there. you like doing things and stuff. i mean, if you live in a corner with no one, you'd never get another hug or even see fresh air. ;)

i know how you feel with physics. that's what i'm doing in history. studied. actually studied for once which I never ever do, and i failed the test. everyone else did good on it too. it makes me feel very stupid.

i like the real you even better than i like the online you. just so you know. you're awesome to hang out with (and on. ;) and talk to and giggle with and make fun of things with.

maybe you should try something to force you to sleep. they have pills and stuff for that. i know sleeping helps me feel a lot better. everything is worse when i'm tired.

i'm really sorry about plogs. i know how much that means to you. if it's still there when i get my "credit card" (it's like a gift certificate that your parents can put money on and works like visa. i'm getting it for england and then for gas when i get my liscense.), you can bet the first thing i'll do is buy a plog. don't know if it'll help much, but i wanted to from the day you guys opened cause i knew how much it meant to you and mark and everyone else out there.

i do care. a lot. and i should care. it's not up to you to decide whether or not i can care about you. ;)

i want to say that the fact everything in you aches for something is about me, but i'm really doubting that's the case. but who knows. it might just be the bitter exgirlfriend inside of me. ;) i wish i could make you happy and help you find a job. although if you suddenly can program vb well, i could probably help get you a steady, real, job....*pokes dad* ;)

if you go on a road trip, can you drag me along and drop me off places to meet metties? XD all i ask is st. louis and jacksonville....;)

and of course, the big *hugs*. and i mean that. a nice, big hug that really shows i care. like when you'd come home. the reassuring, "it will be okay/it's okay now" type hug. *hugs*

and rambly....it's good. i like entries like this. not the sad depressed confused part, but the fact you're actually showing what you feel. :)

I added you to my friends list because I think you're brilliant and honest and understanding and humble and I want to be your friend. You are hardly nothing.

Have you considered subletting in Chambana this summer? People are getting more and more desperate and you can get a place for the entire summer for less than $500 right now. Plenty of jobs to be had... it's a thought, anyway.

I'm hanging out at Spurlock tonight if you need a hug or something, and then I may wander over to Allen to hang out.

you have always been one of my best friends; even when we weren't hanging out as much as we should have (for various and sundry reasons) you were always there for me and i'll never forget it. you are such a special person with so much to give people and i don't know what i would do without you. i know that a lot of your good friends have significant others, but that doesn't mean that we don't want to be every bit as close to you as we have ever been. i miss you when i'm here and i can't wait to hang out with you.

and being stupid? the last thing you'd ever be is stupid. grades are a tiny tiny part of college, no matter how much bad ones suck. (remember, though, f i for fabulous, dahling) college is about living, it's about getting out there and figuring out what's important to you, what makes you happy, what makes you satisfied with yourself, and you've started to do that. after you graduate, what would you remember? that time you did well on a test, or that time you stayed up all night with your friends doing nothing? college is an experience, not a test.

as far as the girlfriend thing goes, it's not out of the question that you could meet someone over the summer. with how big u of i is and how many people from the greater chicago area go, it could even be a fellow illini. it's bad to count your chickens before they hatch but it's even worse to go stepping on them because you think they won't hatch the way you want them to.

i know what it's like to feel hopeless and helpless and like everything is falling apart around you. i know how hard it is and i know that without you and my other friends i wouldn't be doing as well as i am now. that being said, i'm sorry i was (and continue to be) such a burden on this subject. you can always, always, always talk to me when you feel like this. always. i've learned a lot from my therapy that i would be happy to pass along.

this summer will be WILDLY MAHVELOUS, i promise. we are going to rock out so hard...after our jobs, of course. but just think, money is good because it lets you buy things, like movies and concert tickets and lots and lots of coffee.

i know it doesn't always help but when you're feeling down just remember how many people care about you and how important you are to all of us.

*hug* i love ya, man, and don't forget it

Note to erin: between the two of us, maybe we'll be able to drag chris off the computer when he's not working. ;)

*hugs.* I guess the first thing I need to tell you is that just about everybody feels like this at some time or another. I know that doesn't help much, but it's so perfectly normal, it really is. The next thing is that it passes. That's more important. You get through things and you learn from them and you find out what you want and what you can't live with and then one day you realise it hasn't hurt just to breathe and live in awhile. Maybe just a day at first, but then soon enough it's been a month, and then six, and then you start to not be able to remember what the hurt felt like, just thinking about it.

I've never believed there's just one person any one person's compatible with, and I know many many people who are content to just be with someone, so I have no doubt that you will find someone. It's just a matter of time.

I'm going to go home this summer, and so much that i've worked on this year is going to be gone, some of it forever. Things are going to change, and it's not going to be fun.

Same situation - only I'm going away from home.

I did find that during the stay, I could look at myself and see what was wrong with me, and did a ton of "discovering" of one's self.

The only catch was that I would have to stay up all night and watch the sunrise from the desk from one of that patio chairs with some coco. Of course, then I'd start to cry into my coco, ruining it as it grew a bit bitter after 5 minutes of crying into it.

Think about that at least, to perk you up. I know that is the only thing I have to cling to, that and having to play out my mother-role.

OMG! *swooooooon* at your icon! :D

It's okay to cry, Chris. *smooths your hair and hugs you*

I wish you could stay here instead of going home this summer. is there no way to stay in the dorms? maybe take some summer classes just as an excuse?

I personally see nothing wrong with platonic cuddling, but if it causes problems for the people involved then i guess you have to respect their wishes.

And I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to feel. i feel like that a lot.

*sigh* I don't know what to do. I'm just sitting here with my eyes damp. I can't even cry. It just hurts so much. sometimes it's worse when you aren't crying. when things just hurt too much. There is a point beyond tears, where all you can do is scream. When all the hate and pain you carry seeps out of your heart, and swirls through your bloodstream. It is the point where tears don't provide relief, but instead they tear your throat raw. A time that is too immensely painful even for tears, and to maddeningly painful to allow yourself to be loved. (excerpt from my novel)

1 year, 1 day, 12 hours and 25 minutes ago, Sarah and I became a couple. I don't think I need to say a lot more on that topic. i think counting the hours makes it worse somehow. anniversaries suck. *touches your cheek gently with the back of my hand*

I'm a nobody, I'm a nothing, I'm just an existential being who sits here at a computer. My life isn't lived out there, outside the window, it's lived here, and I don't know whether that's good or not. I 'm so much safer here, so much happier when I"m here. me too. i'm quite afraid of the real world. i get lots of grief for it from my family, and i dont know. i know it's not the best thing to do, to be hiding from life, in your room, in front of a computer, but i can more than relate to it.

*more hugs, if okay*

I don't think cuddling needs to be reserved for significant others. I would cuddle with you. And your teddy. In fact, throw my manatee into the mix, and we could have one big, fluffy cuddle party. :)

There's nothing wrong with you for feeling so confused. I get like that too. And I don't like my home life, but I can't stand dorms, so I deal with it. You can still keep in touch with everyone on LiveJournal while your at home, and we'll try to brighten up your days, I'm sure. :)

*sends manatee to visit you for a while and make you smile* Wee, I just rhymed, hehe!

eh. im probably repeating what others have said, but THIS WILL PASS. life dosent always go the way you want it to go, and you can only do so much to try and change it. let it go, and enjoy what you can along the way. life does get better, and usually when you least expect it. i can understand the alone feeling, i was basically alone myself (living in north carolina) when i was 19, until a bit after i turned 21. I had hardly any friends, no one to cuddle with. hell, i only knew a total of about 4 people in the whole town.

as to your summer, well, i cant change what life at home will be like (i had bickering parents all last year, so i know how that goes), and work, yeah, well, its going to suck. work usually does.

Most of you if you met me in real life wouldn't think half as well of me as you do now. I'm not who I pretend to be, I'm not even who I am, I'm a nobody, I'm a nothing,

so why wouldnt we think half as well of you? you're nice, funny, and you care about other people. so you dont go out every day with people and party all the time. thats not a bad thing. i go out maybe 4 days a month with some friends to kareoke, and half the time, 2 or more days get cancelled due to problems. so besides school and work, im home a lot. and yes, i have a bf, but our schedules dont work out all that well. so i dont even see him that much. and yes, life in front of a computer is safe. you can control who knows what, who you know, and all that. been there, done that too. but is that really life?

so im willing to bet that my comment is more rambling and scattered than your original post, therefore, im going to shutup now. dont know if this is going to help you at all, maybe it will.

and hey, if summer gets boring, email me. maybe you cant do the road trip, but im down the road, we can do something. maybe i can introduce you to the joys of kareoke. :)
and if we try, we can get cari to go on her road trip, and meet her too. :)

Rawr, if any of you know this man in real life... take him out to socialize... he needs it, and he needs help doing it.

You need to stop crying and stand up and meet new people if the ones in your life can't meet your needs.

You people online are loving and helpful and yes... but everyone needs physical attachment, and you people should push Chris to go out and do so since my word doesn't mean much ;p

I will in...in....somewhere around 18 days? something like that. I dunno. Whenever he gets home. He will go out. I promise...espcially once I get my license. Mwahaha. (Note to Chris: I added up my hours and I have 25.5. Hahaha! Yes. I don't have to drive with my dad anymore to get my lisence. AND I CAN'T SPELL THAT WORD FOR ANYTHING. *coughs*)

And Chris, if you hide in your room and sulk, I'll drag you out (literally or not. ;). You always told me to go out more and I'm starting to...so take your own advice. And besides, 'cause of Erin's comment, I think she'll help me drag you out. Mwahaha.

Oh, and can this go both ways? Please? Drag me out, too. ;)

I swear. I'm working. Not rambling at comments in Chris's LJ. Nope. I'd never do that. Nope nope nope. ;)

i know this is all supposedly passed, and i'm really late on commenting at all, but hi. *hugs*

road trip. i do have to meet you, you know. i'm not sure when or anything, but yeah. i promise i'll drop by at some point and bore you to death. it'll be fun.

Hey, you know what?

You're wonderful. You're amazing. And you've always been there for me, no matter what has gone down in my life (even when Joe broke up with me, you were my lifeline--hell, you have my secondary screenname, for god's sake--not just everyone has that).

I don't know exactly what I can do--but no matter what, this summer, I'm around. Every day, when I'm not at work (which should be normal hours anyway, stupid Park District), I will be around, and I will be here for you. I've never known a person to slip into my life so quickly and with such affect--so allow me to do the same for you.

I love you, kid. ::hugs:: And if it requires a bunch of chocolate ice cream and pancakes and chick flicks to prove it to you, then so be it.

*hug* You're awesome, Erin.

Is it bad that out of the things you offered, I squeed more at the chick flicks than at any other part of your statement? :/

*big hug*

You're most definitely not nothing.

As to the post - yeah, you have a lot of stress in your life, and boy, can I relate to a lot of what you posted... but I'm not here to depress you.

I'm here in part to say "I'm glad I'm not so alone," I guess, but moreso to try to cheer you, to snuggle with you, and try to just be here for you.

My dad's getting me a new modem; we'll see if that one works, eh?

I'm so tempted to just add extra stuff into all those comic feeds. a nice little link to plug for plogs. I could affect the friends page of 10,000 people in one line of code, and nobody could stop me, nobody would care. I'm providing the feeds, I can do what I want with them.

Well, people would care.... LiveJournal has an anti-advertising clause in the Terms of Service. Somebody would report it and the feeds would probably be suspended by the abuse team.

That may be true, but the policy on syndicated feeds is that they're controlled by an off-site source provider, and as such, you have to accept the content that comes with them.

There are already several feeds on the net that have advertising in them, and they haven't been shut down. In fact, because the advertising in them means that they have additional content, they are actually left UP, even though they have advertising.

This is the case with a news feed that's on LJ - we had someone who wanted to change the feed URL (submitted a request for syn_editurl) and upon examination, it was decided that although the current feed had advertising every 3rd or 4th entry, it also had extra information. Current policy is only to change these types of feeds if the content is different.

Additionally, you'd be suspending the only source of these comics, which some of the 10,000 people who watch them might get upset about. I recieved over 100 comments of praise for setting them back up - taking them back down again might make people rather upset or dissapointed, and the feeds aren't provided by anyone else. It's also a bad idea to start providing things like that, since you'd be setting a precedent and that's always a bad idea.

Additionally, I've talked with the abuse team manager about it in the past, and she made it clear that the policy is, as i've described it, that syn feeds are not LJ's responsibility.

I could be wrong, and things could change, but that's what I was told, and that's what I believe it is.

However, in this case it doesn't matter much. I'm not going to advertise, because it's really not worth it. The hatred I would get from doing something like that would be pretty ugly, and its just not worth it to deal with 10,000 angry people commenting at me. I've made it clear that I'm maintaining the feeds, and I should be contacted if they break (my email is also in the feed source). As such, everyone who reads them knows I'm providing them, and would know I was advertising, and would kill me.

You've done ads on the site before. I know they didn't work out, but you have done them. It's the same kind of situation - desperate times call for depserate measures kind of thing. It's hard to watch a site you love, feel that you have a good stake in, just... slowly wither away due to lack of cash flow. I feel like I have a great idea, just waiting for someone to pick up on it. I email businesses who say they're interested, and all they do is ignore emails.

It's just frustrating, which is the only reason I'd ever even think about it. I just want something to succeed so badly, and I'm grasping at straws.

Obviously I haven't done it yet. If I had, the feeds would have been suspended already, right? ;)

You said a long time ago it was hard to run this site. I didn't doubt you then, and I don't doubt you now. What I wasn't expecting was the difficulty of getting people to the site. Sites like Blurty jumped 100,000 members in 6 months, and I just feel like a site that I'm an admin of has been limping along for a month and a half. And I don't know what to do about it. Keeping it running isn't hard (of course, we only have like 1200 members, so... ) but getting new people is amazingly difficult, especially for a pay-only service.

That's something that LJ didnt' really go through much, I don't think. Maybe when you started the paid memberships thing. But you never dealt with trying to get a tiny site started, because you just got a ton of people. How'd you do it? what'd you start with? How'd you get people to pay for a service they could get for free?

I'm jealous, I'm envious... and I am impressed. Of course, I still think things would run better if you'd let people HELP you, but that's not something I could make you do, and it's not something you really like to do. And I think you might get some more help on the dev-end if you'd send out bazaar money :P

Also, just a side note - this entry is the "angsty teen" side of me. I'd generally make things like this friends-only, because people might get the wrong ideas about me, but meh. Whatever. You did decide to come read my journal, and this is a part of who I am, and how I feel.

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