Chris Schmidt (crschmidt) wrote,
Chris Schmidt

stream of thought

I hate when I want to cry, and I don't even have a real reason.

People, people, everywhere people just doing things, or making me do things, or making me want to do things. I just want to scream, sometimes, and now is one of them.

I don't want to go home this summer. I don't want to live in a household that's full of bickering and bitching, I don't want to live in a household that full of yelling and screaming.

I'm comfortable here. I like it here. I like being here, I like living here, I like the atmosphere. I like being away from home, being on my own, being with friends here.

I'm going to go home this summer, and so much that i've worked on this year is going to be gone, some of it forever. Things are going to change, and it's not going to be fun.

I want a girlfriend. As soon as I go back to STC, all prospects of that will be gone for the summer. Not that I had any prospects anyway.

I want someone that I can cuddle up to, someone I can snuggle with without feeling guilty. Someone who I know I can just be with and be happy and not have to worry about what I'm doing, not have to worry about what emotions I'm causing or breaking, not have to worry about the mental damage I'm doing.

Erin and Erin have boyfriends. Sarah doesn't think it's right for people to cuddle with people who aren't in a relationship. Blair is distant, carolyn has a boyfriend too. That's the only people I ever talked to on a regular basis in that town, the only people I really know. I don't even know any guys there. I never hung out with guys, I just never wanted to.

I'm going to go home, and I'm going to work all summer, and I"m going to hate it. I just want to pretend it's going to be alright, but the thing is that it won't be alright. It's going to suck and there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I can fix, nothing I can try to change, because it's all just junk.

It's gotten to the point where the stupidest little things set me off. A comment in another person's journal makes me want to scream. Comments that get sent to me, mis threaded in the comments, piss me off. Things like that. And I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to feel.

According to calculations provided by asciikarl, i should be getting $100 bucks from doing LJ dev work. That's neat, but it's less than half of what I would have gotten had brad not been... brad. I would have kept working here, not started work on plogs.

Plogs. plogs is broke this month. We're not making any money, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to advertise, or who to advertise to. I'm so tempted to just add extra stuff into all those comic feeds. a nice little link to plug for plogs. I could affect the friends page of 10,000 people in one line of code, and nobody could stop me, nobody would care. I'm providing the feeds, I can do what I want with them.

*sigh* I don't know what to do. I'm just sitting here with my eyes damp. I can't even cry. It just hurts so much.

1 year, 1 day, 12 hours and 25 minutes ago, Sarah and I became a couple. I don't think I need to say a lot more on that topic.

Some people just make me want to scream. People who just... I don't even know. and now I'm really crying. I think I'll just stop and go away now. Go eat lunch or something. I don't know. I hate this. I hate this feeling of being completely unable to help myself, completely unable to help those around me. My friends are hurting, and I can't help, my best friends reach out, and if I reach out an arm to help them, they'll either pull me in with them, or I'll drop them and feel worse than before. THere's nothing I can do, nothing I can say to make any of this better, nothing I can say to fix things. I just want to die, I just want to run away from the entire world and live on my own in a corner where no one can see me.

I didn't cry whiel falling asleep last night, but I might as well have. Nobody cares, nobody should care, and even those who do, they really can't help, because this isn't their fault, it's nobody's fault but my own. THere's something inside of me that I can't fix, and I don't know what it is, all I know is that everything about me hurts, everything on my insides just aches for something, and I don't even know what it is. I just want to be happy, I want a good steady job and I want people to stop yelling at me all the time, and telling me what to do. You think I don't have a hard time getting stuff done? You think college life is easy? Do you know I FLUNKED my physics exam? Not just didn't pass, not didnt' do well, I actually got a 58% on my last exam, an F on my last exam, and I can't do anything about it. I studied forever. This isn't easy for me, I'm used to being smart, to doing things right and not even having to try.

I dont' even know what I"m writing about, this has just been me typing for 10 minutes trying to get all these hurts, these pains out of my head , Ijust want them all to go away so I can be happy. I want someone, I want something. I want to go on a road trip this summer and see everyone in the world that I haven't seen yet, I want to see all these peopel I talk to, all these friends I've made, I want to meet them in real life, I want to give them a hug or a handshake or something and have them see the real me, see the real me and tell me if al lthe stuff the say all the time is still true.

Most of you if you met me in real life wouldn't think half as well of me as you do now. I'm not who I pretend to be, I'm not even who I am, I'm a nobody, I'm a nothing, I'm just an existential being who sits here at a computer. My life isn't lived out there, outside the window, it's lived here, and I don't know whether that's good or not. I 'm so much safer here, so much happier when I"m here. when I go out there, all I find is pain and misery and memories of things that will never come to be again, things that I can't change and things that I won't change and everything and I just don't know.

This is so rambly, but I don't care. this is my journal, this is my feelings, this is who I am. and who i am is a rambly confused idiot who can't ever stop crying. I just want to go to sleep, curl up in a corner and give up, but I can't. I can't even sleep. I sleep for 6 hours and then I wake up and it doesn't matter what my clock says, I can't go back to sleep, I can't pretend the day isn't starting at just go back to bed.

I dont' knwo what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, and it scares me.
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