I feel so alone. I look out the windows at the cold grey world outside, and I just feel like everything that I used to have is gone. It's gone away, and I don't know what I did or why I did it that would cause it to be this way. I look at the trees out my window, and I'll see somebody walk by, and just wish I could say "Take me with you! I don't care where you're going, I just want to get away."
I've always wanted to be something other than what I am. Nothing's changed. I want to be older, smarter, better. I want to be able to say what I mean, and I can't. Even now, I'm just looking around, like looking at this room will help me identify who I am.
Sometimes, I'll just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I'll look up at the ceiling, and just stare. There's nothing there. It's just plain white, and when it's dark, it's not even that. I just stare, looking for answers that aren't there.
Were they there before? I don't know, but I know I didn't used to feel so empty. I didn't use to go to sleep at night with such thoughts in my head. There was always somebody, some thing to think about. There was none of this lonliness, none of this sadness, it was all just... right. Or if not right, there was at least emotion there. There was some kind of feeling that I just don't have anymore.
What happened to me? What happened to the me that used to be? What happened to everything that I used to be? Is that all gone? the fun. the happy. I used to go play DDR at Christy's... now I just go and sit and stare at the ceiling in her room instead. And sometimes i just want to scream, because there's nothing I can do about it, there's nothing I can do to make it better, there's nothing I can do to fix it. Because I don't know what it is, I don't know where it came from. I just know that it seems...
I feel different. Then again, maybe I should. My life has changed. everything about me has changed. I don't think I fully accepted beign here when I first got here... I was still trapped in the past. Now I'm starting to move on, and finding out how hard it is to pick up the pieces.
I reach around the globe to find someone. I reach to people I know I'll never meet. Why? because it's safe? Because they can't "hurt" me? I don't know. I just know what I do.
Sometimes I just want to cry.