Chris Schmidt (crschmidt) wrote,
Chris Schmidt

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tired, lonely, confused

I'm tired.

I'm lonely.

I'm confused.

I have this feeling. This feeling like I need to do something. Either I need to move on, or I need to go back or something. The problem is that if I go too far back, it's all sadness. If I go not far enough back, it's happy times... but they're going to lead to sad, and I know that. So I don't want to go back to my past.

Yet I look to the future, and it's not positive. I'm a smart guy. I know this. But so are a lot of people, including people who've been doing computer stuff for years. My dad has had a job for how many years at Lucent? Yet every time layoffs come around, everyone in the family crosses our fingers and holds our breath, because there's a decent chance he'll get layed off.

My dad has taught me everything I know.

I know I'm going to be in school for a while, so things might change in the meantime. But I'm just scared.

There's also the fact that I have no ability to meet people. I'm feeling a lot better about myself lately, due to help from a friend of mine. He was attempting to teach me the rules on "How to get laid." Now, I'm not really looking for that at the moment, no matter how much I talk about it - I want a relationship before sex. I want a little bit of just... being together with anybody before I would ever want to do that. But one of the rules was to always "Know that every girl in the room wants you. You are desirable." And it has helped me. When I walk in to a classroom, I walk into it thinking that, and I feel more confident. I don't scan the room for females to sit next to to try to get close to, I don't do anything. It means that I'll probably have to deal with being single for the rest of this school year, at least, but I don't WORRY so damn much. And that's a nice feeling.

However, I'm feeling very... ugh lately. Sexually deprived, I suppose, although that's stupid. I just... I used to be able to go look forward to going home. I used to be able to, because that was when I got to cuddle with my girlfriend! and even when we were fighting, it would make me feel better. But now, when I know I'm going home, I just feel like crap.

I told Sarah the next time I came home for me, I'd come see her. I never planned to lie to her, but I didn't think I'd be coming home til after finals. Now... it's just too soon. For me, and probably for her too, whether she realizes it or not.

I don't know. I'm running out of motivation for writing this entry. I'm sure I meant to say something at the beginning, but now it's just becoming me blabbing about a bunch of meaningless stuff. Especially since at least a few people have no clue what I'm talking about. (Siren, Girlfriday. probably adcott, flim_flam, lanna_kitty, yen1703... just to name a few.) I don't know when I last did a "Welcome to my journal" entry, but ya'll would be in it. I think. I dunno.

I'm just so tired. everything is exhausting. School, Plogs, friendships, everything else, and I just don't know what to think.

Oh, and I have 666 entries and 666 support points now. see? yeah.

Okay, going to try and scrounge up some food now.
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