Chris Schmidt (crschmidt) wrote,
Chris Schmidt
crschmidt

  • Music:
I was being rather cryptic last night. Today, I won't be cryptic. As a result of not being cryptic, I'm going to make some people upset/depressed/mad/whatever. But ya know what? This is MY journal, and I'm allowed to write whatever the hell I want in it. For once I'm going to actually use it like that. I'm tired of friends group crap, I'm tired of private entries when I say something that might offend someone.

So. If you think you have anything to be offended about from me, you shouldn't read this. That's all the warning I'm going to offer. Oh, and this is all my opinion. The way I feel. It's not totally right, it's just the way I feel, but i'm going to write it anyway.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm sometimes not so nice to people. I'm good at guilt tripping, I'm good at cutting off my nose to spite my face (or if i'm not good at it, I still do it a lot). I did it at least a few times this weekend. And last night was yet another.

I was mad at christy. I don't know why. (looked it up: stemmed from the "naked" thing I was doing, where I spammed everyone with "naked! naked naked naked." and i realized... well, i'm a bad influence. and stuff. yeah). I was just being little old two-string me. The one that most of you don't know.

A little backstory: During my junior/start of senior year, most of my friends would just ignore anything I said between 10pm and midnight. It was like a switch. I would become depressed, and then at midnight, I would flip the switch and be back. It was a very weird experience that I knew well, but had a lot of trouble controlling. The second semester of my senior year, it went away for the most part (I guess I was just depressed all the time, partially because of the erin/derek thing.). In any case, that went away for a long time, but sometiems I just slip into it. I did once over the weekend, and once last night. When I'm in that mood, I'm very hard to convince of anything besides "you suck". Some IRC people last night saw it, and christy got the full brunt.

I tried to apologize when I snapped out of it, but she was busy talking to Fran (and later, josh) at the time. Which didn't help. Because... well, that's hard to deal with. I don't know. If I go to apologize and get told someone's busy, it's like "oops, I just got replaced" kind of thing. I know that's not how it was, but I feel like that.

Anyway, I went 'To bed" several times, (althoug h Ididn't actually go) and came back. read christy's away message that said to read her journal, that said she's dating fran.

That said she's dating fran.

FRAN!? Fran. The guy that... the ... fran.

Fran, who, if he thought he could get away with it, wouldn't let christy be in the same room as me. Fran who is possessive, fran who is almost as childish and immature as me.

Don't get me wrong. Fran has a lot of great qualities. He's nice, he's smart, he has a plan for his life. If I had to pick between Josh and Fran, who I thought was going to be the CEO of a company in the next 10 years, it would be Fran. Fran is definitely a guy to have in your corner if you're going to a court battle, if you need a character witness. Fran is great at all those things.

None of those things have the slightest affect on a relationship. Fran is clingy and needy, and is, from what I've seen, not good at long distance. He is possessive, and... <selfish>I don't think he likes me</selfish>.

Anyway. So I didn't react too well. I think that Josh would be better. I also think that she should have tried somethign different before going back to what's familiar, going back to what's safe and what she knows. But I'm not her, I don't know everything, except I do know that I reacted badly.

I know that every time I see her, I will not be polite about it. I will not be nice and accepting about it. I will not be friendly, I will not be understanding, I will not be any of those things. I used to always be that way, but I feel like she gave that up when she went back to him. Him, the guy that I gave her so much advice about. *sigh* I know that's dumb, but I know the way I am. And so, in order to not fuck things up, I decided I didn't want to be around her. I didnt' want to tear them apart, I didn't want to hurt her. If she could be happy with Fran, she had every right to be, she had every right to try things out again (lord knows, I've done that before.) So, I'd stay away. if things worked out, great for her. If they didn't, at least it wouldn't be my fault.

That was my plan. No contact. No nothing at all, because it really wasn't my business, and any time I saw her, I would make it my business, and I didn't really want to do that. I just knew I would.

I blocked her, Josh and Fran on AIM, and turned off the option to let people not on my list contact me (cause I"m sure they all have multiple SNs). I thought that would be it. The end of it. Wrote the entry you all read last night. Blah blah blah.

IMed her this morning to read the journal entry, and unblocked her so she could talk it over if she wanted to. Basically, was an ass, and told her that I really didn't think she should be dating fran, and that I was dissapointed that she'd just ignored all my advice, and her own, that she had been given just a few weeks before and get back with Fran. Told her that there was no reason for me to stick my nose where it didn't belong, in her business and fran's.

She got upset. She had every right to. But hey, I had made my choice. I looked at it with a light heart. There really was nothing I could do to make it better in my mind: I was choosing the only situation that would cause the least hurt to everyone.

She sat next to me in math. I didn't look at her once. Eyes on the board (when I was awake anyway) for the entire class. Then we played that stupid game when you wnat to talk to someone but can't. The game where you kind of walk around behind someone, never really saying anything and hoping they'll turn around and talk to you first. We did that for a while. Like 15 minutes. I finally just got up the guts to tell her I was sorry. I was sorry I was hurting her, but I wouldn't be able to hang out with her without making things worse. She said that I wasn't really sorry (which I still think she's wrong about. If I decide right now to never talk to her again, I'd be doing it for her good, not for my own), which kind of snapped me out of it. We sat for 5 minutes, each threatening to walk off a couple times. Eventually I gave up on my stupid idiotic male facade. I realized that if I gave up Christy, I'd have nothing. I'd have no friends, no life here. I'd stay in my dorm all the time, with Sergio and Meg making out behind my back (not really, I'm just saying that). And I couldn't take it. Gave her a hug, and apologized, and said I was sorry, she was right. I didn't ever want to let go of her, because I was still afraid if I did, it would be for the last time. I don't think it is now. We walked over to my class. I gave her a peck on the cheek, and we both walked away smiling.


I still think that what she's doing is wrong, but it's really not my place to say. I don't know fran nearly as well as her, and she truly is in love with him. I have no place to say that what she's doing is wrong, and because of that, I'll just let them do wahtever they want. I'll keep my hands in my pockets at all times in an effort to not do anything fran would be upset about, and try to smile and not want to gouge my brain out.

yes. this is offensive to some of you. I'm sorry, but you can't really say I didn't warn you. I used names, I was descriptive and mean. But goddamnit, I don't care what you people think, this is what *I* think. This is how I feel, and you're all the ones reading my journal. So, live with it, or don't read. It's all up to you.

And this song is the goddamn best song in the world right now.
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