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3:13am-4am
photogeek
crschmidt
Okay, so it's 3:13 AM, and I can't sleep at all. I have a million thoughts running through my head, a million different things I'm thinking about, a million different thoguhts running through my head.

I think I'm addicted to NPR. I keep wanting to turn it on. I now know that i can listen to it on the u of i campus radio station via the internet, and I have to keep stopping myself from turning it on.

I had a dream about Sarah (mentioned in previous post, not my girlfriend. Man, I need a new system for names.)

I was out sitting on the circle drive thing in front of Allen, and there were a bunch of us out there. It was warm, summer-time like, and I'm just sitting out there talking to people who were just kind of bumming around. And she walks up, coming up from gregory. It's a warm night out, and I'm wearing my button down black t-shirt. I've got my shirt kind of half unbuttoned, and it's like... 10ish at night. dark, at least. And she walks up lays down and leans against me. and put your hand on my chest.

Note that I didn't mention any dialouge. That's because there was none. A girl that I've hardly ever talked to outside of online, just walks up and puts her hand on my chest. And all the people in the group look at me kind of strange, and I just don't say anything. She gets up, and just walks away. No words were spoken. A person I never see just comes up and acts like we're dating, and I don't say a word.

Now don't get me wrong. Sarah is a great girl. But I love Sarah, not Sarah! (meh. I wonder how much sense this is going to make.) So, I was feeling very freaked out about the whole thing. It was... meh. I don't know. I don't like my dreams when they are saying things I don't understand at all. It's so very confusing. And then, if I ask for help interpretting them, I usually find out that the stuff I dream about indicates something I don't want to think about ;)

I also had a dream that Ang was im-ing me something, only it was like... IRC. because her name was in brackets (<asilvahalo> and so on) but... it was in her colors. But I don't know what it was about. I was away from the computer at the time, so I don't know what she was trying to ask me, but it was really important. And... once again, I have no idea what this stuff means. I just know that I like to know what my brain is thinking.

I emailed support@ today asking if I could get some kind of interims back. I have no idea what policy is on that kind of thing. I don't even know why I did it, except emma told me to, and then kristan exploded me when I didn't. So, I sent the damn email. there ya go.

Sarah made me feel way better tonight. She called and we talked for a little bit, and it just made me feel so much better. I really miss her, and it's going to be hard waiting another 3 weeks or whatever it is until I get to see her again. Stupid bad scheduling of Spring Break so I have to come home for a week, then come home again the next weekend.

I need to do my CS225 MP, and that's the rest of my real work for the week. I also need to study for my exam in that class and my exam in Math 225. I don't really want to do either. But that's part of life. The 225 MP is probably going to take me a long time, but I hope to get it done tomorrow, just because I want to have friday night to hang out. I haven't done anything fun since I went home for v-day. And I mean that literally. I haven't gone anywhere outside of the hall (except that engineering thing, which was kind of fun) since I got back. And that's been more than a week now.

I took my CS231 exam today. it went not too bad. There was nothing that I just totally didn't understand at all, which is nice. Didn't really know a set of equations for one of the things, but I still think I designed an okay circuit for it. Took me a second to remember what the hell XOR represents too ;) I really like that class: I feel like I'm learning a lot, and it's fun.

WHRW Binghamton is dead air at the moment. that's interesting. I wonder if their webcast broke again. (ah, no, it's just off the air at the moment.)

For those of you with a fast connection, the radio show that I was talking about yesterday morning is available at http://www.ews.uiuc.edu/~crschmid/2.26.03.mp3 . It's big (about 40-50 meg) and it's 2 hours long.

I just wanted to take a second and say some things that are sappy and annoying and none of you want to hear. So, if you hate romantics, skip this section. Sarah. I love you. I absolutely adore you. I love your voice. I love thinking of you, and this morning when I thought you were next to me, it was the best feeling in the world. When I opened my eyes, I realized that you weren't there, and it made me sad. But then I closed them again for a second, and I realized it didn't matter so much that you were there at the time as that I knew you would be someday. The email you sent me made me happy. The fact that you love me is something I know, but sometimes I feel like there's no reason for it. Now I know all the reasons ;) I love you, with all my heart, and I wish that we could be together. But, right now, we can't. it's going to be hard to be together for a while, but we can do it. We are the one, the proud: the ChriSarah ;) If you're ever feeling sad, just look at that piece of gold hanging around your neck. Look at it, and say to yourself "This belongs to my boyfriend, Christopher Robert Schmidt, and he loves me." Because it's true. If you're sad, think of that kiss in the car after we were at baker's square. Think of how nice it was. Think of when I walked in the door and gave you that cute litle bear. Think of prom. Think of our first kiss, think of our first date, watching moulin rouge on your couch. Think of "watching" serendipity, think of being in line for American eagle at great america and being told to get a room ;) Think of all the great things we've done together, and how much each one means. And know that I love you, no matter what.

Also, I'm seeing a lot of people are actually visiting my most recent entries page. I know the style on there sucks, so I'll work on getting something slightly more interesting up sometime next week, after my last two midterms. I had it set up the way it was so i could have an easy to load version for use at home while i was there. I'm also seeing a lot of people who are reading it that I don't know who you are: People from Tulane, to purdue, to Indiana University, to The College of London. Feel free to comment! Even if it's just to say "hi! I like your journal" or "What's up with how ugly you are", i'd love to hear you from.

Now, I'm going to try to go back to sleep. Hopefully this has gotten a little bit of the constantly running thoughts out of my head. If it hasn't, I may be back later to write more ;)

Peace out.

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*sniffles at sappiness*

um, i had something to say. what was it... oh! yay on emailing support@ :) i wouldn't have made you do it if you didn't want to get interims back (well duh, i'm not in the habit of forcing privs on people). but you wouldn't get any without letting the admins know, and stuff. yes, so it's good :)

I just feel like I really don't deserve them. A lot of people have done a lot more work on the board than me, and a lot of people deserve them more than I do. To be honest, I made my best effort to sound humble, but I'm not. I feel like I'm always right, I act like I'm always right, and every now and then I actually think I'm always right.

I don't know. I'm too lazy to actually work to get them back, I suppose, because to get gunk i1s takes reviews and stuff like that. I've never gotten a review that I requested (except the one time Arie said "get a review on this date"). I've gotten a few, but they've always been something that an admin wanted me to get.

I like being noticed on my own merit and moved up. I like feeling like "hey, you're good enough, here you go" rather than having to work towards something.

Another thing is that I don't act like a support volunteer. That's why ike yelled at me that night, and he wasn't wrong to do so, because I was basically trying to have my cake and eat it too. I liked being able to claim "No relation to the site, not a volunteer, just a normal user, just chillin out and trying to help people." if i work for support, I can't do that anymore.

But it's worth it. Because knowing that I'm helping or being able to help easier is a good thing, no matter what.

Now, off to shower.

I feel like I'm always right, I act like I'm always right, and every now and then I actually think I'm always right.

i feel like that a lot of the time myself. i did this a lot before i got supporthelp, but desperately tried to not let anyone notice in case they didn't give me any privs. looking back, i know i actually wasn't right all the time, and i wasn't ready for privs before everyone else decided i was. but at the time, i was getting so pissed off to be told to work on this or that instead of getting privved.

you've done more work on the board than some current I1s, or people who are getting given I1 now or soon. most people in support work on churning out answers as fast as possible to as many requests as possible. that's fine, but we need the odd technical people who are going to help with the bastard freakies and research, as well as throw in a few normal answers here and there. people like mark didn't go through the whole reviewing thing as much as most I1s, because we know he's trustworthy and more useful to us as an interim. it's more complicated than that, but you get the idea, i hope.

the relentless review then request for comments and ONLY then will someone get moved up gets to me sometimes. i see someone on the board, they look ready for an interim of some kind, i want to go to the community and propose it. i don't want to review them first. we didn't used to do that as much. when i was privved, i was one of the first to be reviewed regularly by leora, and then the ones she'd reviewed and trained carried it on by reviewing the screened people, and it built up from there. but you'd still see posts asking what people think about foo and whether or not they should get privs. a review wasn't the be all and end all necessity that it is now. okay, they're good. they help us to see exactly where someone needs to work, and how they're doing generally. and they help the person who's receiving one one. but sometimes i get sick of them when we're just granting interim privs.

once you resist the urge to comment and cause flame wars in people's journals you find through support, the urge does subside. i used to be ready to start a flame war at the drop of a hat. it does give you some satisfaction to know that you're resisting and not sinking to their level, that you can keep a clear head instead of getting angry and showing it. oh, i still get angry. i leave unprofessional ICs sometimes, and i always need to work on that. but i don't flame anyone in official comms (though i do get snarky), and not in their journals from any kind of official contact with lj. i started a flame war just the other day with someone in someone else's journal though, so don't feel you can't flame if it's unconnected to support ;)

I've rubbed off on you...Now you can't sleep at night either.

Yay for interim privs :)

hi there:o) i'm jess...i am "feeling free to comment" like u said in your entry lol. i'm just a random surfer girl and i think the things you say about your girlfriend are the cutest ever. u remind me of me and my boyfriend tony, who have been together for almost three years now:o) so i suppose u can take that as a good thing...hopefully things will pan out as well for the two of you as they have for us. ummm yeah. i'm also from illinois, from a south suburb of chicago (i go to UIC)...yeah just some pointless info for u. anyways, lovely journal. check mine out if u like. whatever. haha. okay, goodbye now:o)
~jess~

Yeah, my journal itself right now isn't that lovely, just the content. I'm much more proud of my friends page than my main journal page.

Just so you know, you can feel free to add me, even though I probably won't add back. 250 entries a day on average is getting to be just a bit much at the moment. ;)

Glad to see you reading! I'm upset some more people didn't comment: I've apparently got readers in Australia, College of London, and more. Quite frustrating to not know who they are.

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