Chris Schmidt (crschmidt) wrote,
Chris Schmidt

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Shit gets deeper.

One of the most true lines in training day. Good movie by the way, but not the point of this entry.

Sarah and I aren't a couple anymore. To tell the truth, we haven't acted like a couple for a while. We've been mean, and evil, and all that kind of stuff.

I didn't ever want to break up with her. When I said "I want ot be with you forever", I wasn't lying, or making a joke. I did. I don't know now, but I do know one thing. I can't do it right now.

I don't want another girlfriend. I don't have time for another girlfriend. (That sounds impossibly/incredibly stupid.) I don't have time for all the things I want to do, which is really hard to accept for me.

In high school, I was always "busy." I did clubs (7 of them at one point), I did homework, but no matter how busy I was, I was never actually out of time. I never had no time to myself, no time to do the things I wanted to do. This is all new to me. It's new, and strange. How do I deal with this?

Something that is also (still) new to me is dealing with a long distance relationship effectively. When is what I've done too much or too little? When do I stop or start? It's difficult to tell, especially since I've never had a non long distance relationship. I don't know what I need to do to make our relationship work. I'm totally cluless on the entire thing. To compensate, I tend to try too hard, and expect too much. I never stop thinking about her, I never stop worrying aboutwhat she said/I said/we did.

This is kinda bad when you don't even have time to get your own shit done.

Long distance is notably hard. I talk to tons of people who tell me it'll never work, people who tell me that it's not a good idea, all kinds of things like that. I talk to people who tell me they want us to be together, but if the cost is that I lose my sense of me, and only get caught up in a whirlwind of other people, that isn't worth it to me.

I never wanted to lose her, but if doing that makes me lose me, then it's time to stop. And it was, so it did. Beginning, end of story.

Happy Valentines Day *sigh*

Other real life stuff:
I missed my physics section yesterday because I set my alarm to 7pm instead of am. I have to go at 5pm today to make it up. I have tickets to come home: I'll be getting to oakbrook around 5, which means I'll be home around 6. Shower and get cleaned up, and then go out to dinner with Sarah, for possibly the last time, at least for quite a while. Saturday I have to do a bunch of stuff that I dont' want to do... blech. Get all my stuff packed up and all.

I have circut design stuff I need to get done this weekend that's due at 5pm on monday, and my Math 225 assignment is due tuesday (i was thinking it was next tuesday for some reason). I have a physics exam, and my first EALC 150 paper is due soon. All this stuff is coming up way faster than I expected, and going home this weekend is making it all suck all the more. work is temporarily stalled on my end. I've been doing a lot of zilla work since the bazaar started in hopes that I could get some status there and possibly make some money.

Brad has been really responsive (well, for brad anyway :)) lately. One thing that's helped majorly is creating a "Low noise:signal ratio" channel on lazynet for dev work alone. It seems to be working well.

All my zilla work is going to be listed in crschmidtzilla so I can keep good track of it. Need to make a nice look for it so I can just copy stuff easily, but other than that it's nice to have someplace I can just stick stuff.

Hooray for using YAUIC! I'm down to about 4 now, I think. If anyone wants one, hit me soon.

Oh, and to all my new friends: Hi. I don't have time to talk about each of you, and I can't even remember who I've talked about and who I haven't. But welcome to my insanity. I'm an 18 year old male with huge self-esteem issues, and I love comments.

That's all I feel like writing now. I'm sorry it's crap. *hugs* to all of those of you who've been there for me. You're wonderful.
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