Chris Schmidt (crschmidt) wrote,
Chris Schmidt

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Chris The Illini wants to directly connect.
Chris The Illini is now directly connected.
Chris The Illini: My great grandmother died last night.

She's been really sick for a long time - when we went up on New Years Eve, she couldn't move or feed herself. She was usually speaking incoherently, and none of it was in English anymore, it was all in... Serbian? I think. I decided at the time that I really didn't have a need to go see a woman who was obviously dying - I just wouldn't have known how to act.

It's a chance I'll never get again. Only 3 days later, I find out she died. At this point I don't even know why.

My family seems to be passing it off as nothing. It was dropped as an idle comment more than anything else. An informative "hey, your great grandma died. We won't be in town on Monday and Tuesday." Of course, the first thing I thought of was the fact that if I was gone on those days, I couldn't go down to Decatur with Sarah.

I don't know why that's the first/only thing that came to mind. Not "Oh no!" Not even anything sympathetic. First thought that came to my head was about Sarah. About me. This just seems so wrong to me. It seems like I really don't deserve to be living here, I don't deserve all the good stuff I have. A million different people have things a million times worse than me, and rather than even thinking about the people I know who are truly in pain, who are truly hurting, like my grampa who went into the hospital when he heard she died, I worry about myself. I worry about how things are going to work out for me.

I'm a selfish little... well, I don't even have a word. I just feel horribly for not caring. Yet, at the same time, I continue to not care.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. But I do know this New Years Eve won't be nearly as fun as I was hoping it might be.

Based on what I've heard, she was going to die. No matter what anybody did about anything, she was ready to die. She couldn't move, she couldn't eat, she could barely think, and the situation was only bound to get worse. They were spending thousands of dollars a day keeping her in the hospital, and she had to leave the day after New Years no matter what. Opa would never have made a decision as to what to do.

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel. All I know is that right now, the way I feel doesn't seem right. I should care, and I just don't.

Anyway, I just had to write this somewhere. Sorry to bother all of you who read this, but I hate making private entries - they seem to breed secrecy. So, ya'll have to deal with this.

And as I wrote this, a new email came in. I'm going to put it all here, in case there are any STC people who read this.

"I am afraid that I have bad news to send out to all of you. One of our former Track runners, T.J. Nensel was killed in a car accident in St. Louis this week while visiting his father. Arrangements are being handled by Yurs Funeral Home. Visitation is on Sunday from 4 pm - 8 pm. Funeral is at the Baptist Church at 12th and Oak on Monday at 10 am. I hope you have a chance to come out and support the family and freinds.

Sorry to have to bring you this sad news. Call me if you have any questions.

Coach Rod"

I didn't know him, so far as I know. All my yearbooks are at school, so I don't have any way of checking. But it's just...

I think I just hate being reminded of my own mortality. And this definitely is.

I feel lost. And as a testament to my selfishness, I've started 8 of these paragrphs with "I" *sigh*

Maybe I'll just go back to bed.
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